So basically, you can be separate from other adults but still feel "one-down" to them. One person superior, one person inferior, all day every day. This is not good. You will have to grow up after your a grown-up. It doesn't matter if you have not lived with your mother for 6 months, 6 years or several decades, you are still the child.
Some questions might help unpack all this:
- How do you feel with you disagree with other adults?
- How do you feel when you have an opinion different from an authority figure? Can you express it?
- Are you judgmental of others?
- Do you feel inferior or superior to others instead of equals?
- Do you feel confident in your own decisions?
- Do you feel comfortable with your own sexuality?
- Do you recognize and pursue your talents?
- Can you submit to others in authority without conflict?
- Without being judgmental, can you value and love people who are different?
A story about Samantha, a conscientious mother, labored over which preschool to send her children. One school was known for early training in skills, the other its social emphasis. She wanted to do the right thing so she called on a few "knowledgeable" friends. The first one went on and on about the importance of skills and academics. The second one said there are a million smart educated people in the world who can't make it in life due to their lack of social skills. She was now more confused than ever, who to listen to and knowing that one of her friends would not be pleased once a decision was made and she could not bear that ... so she called on her husband to make the decision so she would be off the hook.
Steps toward adulting:
- Get sick and tired enough to make a change - if you live under the expectations of others long enough, you will get sick and tired. It is time to revolt and establish your own ground rules ... righteous anger for a good cause.
- Find your own true peer group - you have to find people who will not play that game .. that will instead treat you as a peer, respecting your freedom and ability to think for yourself.
- Reevaluate beliefs - when you grew up being told what to believe, you now need to take a fresh look at finances, religion, politics, church, career .. even minorities and child-rearing! Inherited beliefs are rarely your own convictions .. you need to own these.
- Disagree with authority figures - remember, good leaders want to hear opinions that are different than their own
- Make your own decisions - take responsibility and the heat for decision-making.
- Deal with your sexuality - ,mother's "hush-hush" about sex may have hindered your ability to respond sexually .. with the peer group explore the values, feelings, thoughts and opinions about sex.
- Give yourself permission to be equal with your parents - you now have the same rights as them, now act like it as your friends support you in this "new look"
- Recognize talents and dreams - now is the time to develop those undeveloped gifts and abilities
- Practice - one has to let go the fear of doing it wrong and embrace failure as a step toward learning
- Gain authority over acting out - rebelliousness has its place and time, self-control helps to bring a proper balance
- Submit out of freedom - there are times when one can be the bigger person and live to fight another day
Dealing with mother of the past requires:
- Find a safe place to be able to grow up in
- Gain awareness of the patterns around Still-the-Boss mothers that are yours
- Process the feelings - resentment, sadness, anger and grief
- Challenge the messages of your inner-voice (that sounds like mother)
- Forgive - let mom off the hook so you both can be free to move beyond the past
Watch for relapse - resistance when this new freedom gives way to paralysis:
- Blaming your inactivity on others
- Excuse your lack of performance on "external factors"
- Complain about your mother as if she is the only thing holding you back from growth
- Gripe about authority figures as if they have control of you
- Whine about your lack of talents and abilities
- Bowing down to figures you have placed on pedestals
- Repress your own opinions
- Dream instead of doing
Your new relationship with mom - since you are in control of your life now .. there are two ways this can go .. the ideal and the not-so-good:
Ideal -
- Affirm her and the parenting job she did
- Do not sound "blamey" like a victim, remember, your an adult now
- Focus on the fact that you want to be friends .. ones who respect each other's freedom to choose
- Let her know you need her help by asking her to push back when you start acting like a child again
- Ask her how to respond if she starts mothering you in a way you do not want
- Discuss roles and expectations
- Ask her where you might have hurt her and own that and apologize
- Explore new things that the two of you might be able to do together
Not-so-good -
- Talk with your peer support group, grieve it and give it up for if mother will not give up the Still-the-Boss role you must let go of your desire for her to change
- Do not respond in anger .. anger means she still has control of you - just deal on what YOU can change
- Do not respond out of guilt - guilt also means that she is still in control
- Feel free to disagree - instead of responding "stop controlling me" just say "no, I don't think that is what I want to do". Be assertive and direct.
- Set limits for yourself - space to recover is important
- Set limits with mother - if she does a,b,c say you will have to do d,e,f ..it is to protect your children (if you have them) as well
- Use your support system - call them before and after an interaction with your mother
- Relate to mom's strengths - maybe there is some subject that she can assist with unrelated to the areas that usually lead to conflict
- Love your mother - even from a distance, love is the adult position .. love does NOT mean obey and sometimes it means "confront" but it never means repay evil with evil.
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