Sharon had definite principles, opinions and values fixed in her mind... She had read extensively and reach conclusions on the matters .. She knew [what she believed in], stood firm and "walked the talk". Brad was her primary student of the "Sharon School of Thinking" .. teaching him that you could judge people's character by their clothes and musical tastes. The more conservative the style, the better the character... There was a "right" denomination, a "correct" translation of the Bible, and a "true" style of worship.
As long as Brad agreed with Sharon's values, things went well ..."
As you can expect, once Brad shared his dreams of becoming a pilot or astronaut she would dismiss him with "Such nonsense, your father has a good family business and you'll be quite successful in that when your grown. You'll see" Sharon had a pre-ordained plan for his life. She also believed that life has order and we all have bosses so the key to success is to find out the rules and obey them. She would not stand for Brad challenging her authority or Brad's other bosses at school or at church. Obey without question was her motto.
As it turned out, when Brad did challenge authority at school he got more support from the school than he did his own mother. Sharon on the other hand would squash his rebellious spirit in all forms. Brad even asked "What if I disagree with out political party's candidate?" she would respond "What does a 12-year-old know about politics? Just listen to me, I have spent a lot of time ...." and Brad would walk away mumbling "That's my mom"
As Brad grew older he went to others for his taboo questions since he understood his mom to think that sex was just a necessary evil. She thought it was just an animalistic instinct that should not be succumbed to. Sharon's answers did not satisfy Brad so he talked to his peers and found out more than he wanted to know. He became sexually active in high school but was internally conflicted with guilt feelings. His peer's "Free Sex" would be a high price tab for Brad. Sharon was a good person and well-intentioned mother but every approach she made to Brad carried one message: "No matter how old you get, I will always be your mother, and you will always be my kid" At 16 Brad was over six foot tall but still felt mother's views were towering over his immature head - she was still the boss.
A good mother does more that nurture her child, she also looks at her child through the lens of the future .. the potential adult in the child ... that she is preparing her child for eventual equality. She will be sad during the process but be happy as well when the child blossoms into their own person. She want to develop a peer and a friend. The Still-the-Boss mother injures the child's ability to become an autonomous, functioning adult.
- Authority - Brad's mother was right in a way about order to life, she just overestimated her role. There are two things mothers need to encourage is both challenge and submission. In the challenge area, the process of thinking through and struggling with authority figures help you to determine what your values are. Challenging is also valuable in rebelling against improper authorities, so if the boss directs you to do something illegal, you will not follow through. A good mother is not threatened by the challenge as she knows her child is working through all that. Submission has a role as well as the child sees taxes are paid, that there are house rules in place. A good mother gradually allows the child more authority and more responsibility. The two extremes are avoided by this, the child will not mature into a compliant people-pleaser and will also be able to keep a job by working under a boss and their rules.
- Values - teaching core values is a parent's role for sure, but teaching a child to think for themselves is a life-skill that is needed to navigate this broken world. A mother should frustrate a child's wish for direct answers as they grow up thereby encouraging them to look it up themselves. Thinking critically is a part of this formula, knowing how to observe, how to check new information against what might already be known and reject or incorporate it.
- Talents - children need to both become aware as well as develope their unique gifts, talents and abilities. Providing opportunities is a start, encouraging them towards practice and working hard in the things they value and excels in. This is a key to work ethic, career aims and many other job skills.
- Gender Roles - pre-adolescent children developing their sex roles have the daughters becoming competitive with their mother as she tests her power and control. She may be jealous with mom's closeness to dad and wants to be his special girl. Mom needs to gently help her daughter understand that dad and mom belong to each other but a world of boys awaits for her out there. The girl will then identify with mom's feminine qualities. The same goes for sons and their moms, the moms need to resist the temptation to make her son more important than her husband. The son then identifies with their father's masculine roles and qualities.
- Friendships - to enter the adult world, children need to learn to connect to people other than mom. Not only to either sex, but to people of different ages and different types of individuals. Mother must actively help the child make these friendships.
- Adolescence - as the teen years begin the child is caught between two very different islands of life - childhood and adulthood. The child begins to shift from a one-down relationship to an equal one, leaving the mother-knows-best world for the real world. Dependent on mom one minute and thinking mother is a prison warden the next minute is typical. The shift themother needs is to change from parenting by control toward parenting by influence. Timeouts no longer work but getting an "F" without a parental rescue might. Everything at this stage is set for mom to reflect on the teen leaving the nest. A good mother does not have taboo subjects and welcomes discussions on finance, love, spirituality, culture and work. She will know what battles to fight, and which ones she lets go. She will have to welcome differences in her child and at the same time keep a firm hold on accountability and responsibility. All the while she is loosening her hold, she is allowing the child to be more responsible. At this point in the transition, motherhood is not respected, there is no gratitude from the child but this is how it rolls. It is a difficult process but in the long term a rewarding one.
Results of Still-the-Boss mothering:
- One Down Style - this adult feels inferior to others, incapable in making competent adult decisions in life and defers to others. Often rule-bound, they only relax when they know the regulations. Does not take creative risks and will follow authoritative "guru" types.
- One Up Style - this adult has adopted a superior role and aspires to lead and control others. Tends to be critical and condescending at work, in friendship or in love and has to have the last word .. it is their way or the highway. Sometimes at work this person might be submissive to those up the chain of command but demeaning down the chain of command. In the name of caring they take control of and dominate others.
- Rebellious Style - resists all rules and authorities, sees bosses, parents and teachers as controlling and abusive to their freedom to be themselves. They can't work in the chain of command and will complain "The boss had it in for me". In perpetual protest, this rebel still defines himself by the parent.
Functionally, they are either 1) afraid of disapproval 2) attempting to be parental or 3) hating all parents. This person tends to be more concerned about finding the "right" goals .. follow-through is an issue, gets close to a promotion or agetting a certain woman's attention only to get anxious and be paralyzed. Basically, to arrive at being an adult send them into a panic as they revert to try to be a child again since it is safer.
Emotionally there are several dynamics:
- inability to be an adult in a world with adult demands
- repressed anger and sexual feelings
- guilt over intense emotions and drives
- failures in attempts to please others
- obsessive/compulsive disorders
- substance abuse, sexual addictions and other compulsive and impulsive behaviors as they try to medicate this internal conflict
Spiritually they may see God as a dictatorial judge and if they have a relationship it is based in fear and dependent on their own performance. They can't feel safe with or approved by Him. Others may learn much head-knowledge, doctrine and theology about Him but if they can't put God in a box and keep Him appeased they run the risk of making a mistake incurring his disapproval and wrath,
Now days with the Still-the-Boss mother means when mom's around, her child will regress into that little boy. The little boy (or little girl) will not disagree with mother but as they leave mom's the spouse may say "you'r not yourself arond your mother". Others may go crazy fixing up the house when mother comes to visit to prove that they are OK. Usually it is never good enough as mom is usually critical enough to find something wrong. The rebel version has a stormy relationship with his mother where outright defiance and shock are used.
The permanent child struggles in many arenas .. painful signs and symptoms are a wake-up call. The next chapter "Rebuilding Your Adulthood" will show the process towards restoration.
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