"Marty felt the rage escalating inside of him. There she goes again, he thought, criticizing me and then going away and not even talking to me leaving me with it all. And as his anger grew, Carol sat on the floor crying. She had withdrawn and stopped communicating. Somewhere inside Marty knew she felt alone and that she needed him to reach out, but he couldn't get past his anger"
Marty did not want to yell or hurt her .. he loved her but his internal frustration was driving him now as he went into the garage to start throwing things .. that made him even more angry. There were fleeting moments where he wanted to help Carol, but internally he was in a rage and that dominated his thinking. He knew he was in trouble.
Just then he felt a hand on his shoulder, he was ready to fight some more but Carol moved toward him just to hold him, and caress him .. and that, in time, calmed him down. He then hugged Carol .. and Carol felt like she was finally successful in getting Marty back "into his right mind".
There is a learning curve here .. and Marty had finally come to a point where he knew he had a problem he could not blame on anyone else. He saw a pattern and decided he needed to do something about it. All the memorized Bible verses and other attempted distractions were not enough when it came to this internal rage. He found he could not manage uncomfortable feelings or disruptive experiences. Marty had a China Doll Mother who needed but failed to contain his feelings and overwhelming states. Marty needs that now as an adult to help him deal with life.
The restoration of mothering is basically a return to receive what we didn't get the first time around. In a broken world, you will have that. What is necessary is the soothing, validating, structuring, thinking and confronting that was missed in ones childhood. This is not a rebirth attempt with the same mom, this is where a relationship with Father/Papa can help so much, with His mothering and mothering of others who share Father's love through them, great strides can be made towards being restored.
Kindness from a friend at a time like this is a priceless blessing. Soothing compassion from someone who is there for you can get you not just through the tough spots, but can also help to gain confidence in ones ability to calm down. Whether this be a support group or an informal network of friends that can be called at almost any hour, one can start making progress. The validation, or the knowledge of the reality of the experience, needs to come from another heart, another set of eyes on the situation. What we don't need is people who say:
- You shouldn't feel that way
- It's not all that bad
- You're overreacting
- Don't be so sensitive
- Where's your faith
Instead, we need people who can speak into our experience:
- I understand
- That sounds really sad
- What a terrible feeling
- Oh my, I am sorry you went through that
This tells us our feelings are real and not imaginary.
After validation is a stage called structuring. This is where things are put in perspective, that this or these events do not define us and that we have tolerated things like this before, it is hurtful, but there is another day. This is also a development stage where we decide what are we going to do. What can we have in place to make the next event be more of a speed bump than a horrific crash.
Time is also an attribute of this stage in that a healthy support group allows the unpacking of one's journey but they will also limit the time each member can share of THEIR story. The group states that this is enough sharing for today, we can talk more about this next time. Resentful at first, over time it will become easier to share less and even listen and empathize more with other people's journey. That is a step in a healthier direction.
Confronting is also necessary at times, while not towards hitting someone but stating eye to eye "Stop it, you're losing it!" might be appropriate. We need honest friends that would be willing to do this.
Thinking is another area we need to think about :) It sounds like a circle, but the following may be noticed:
- negative thinking
- pessimistic thinking
- paranoid thinking
- overly critical thinking of ourselves or others
- self-centered thinking
The mothering process as an adult gives a bridge towards a healthier balance in the reality of the situation(s) at hand.
The response to this mothering process is as important as being mothered. If we just resist all the efforts that other's are lovingly attempting to help us through can delay the process. There may be good reason for this and a good friend ot support group is in it with you for the long haul. In time you may start to take responsibility in your response to this growth and maturity.
- Find a safe place to start your process toward restoration (support group, therapy group, individual counseling, meeting times with a wise friend or two, or even a relational church family)
- Risk intense emotions means that you are not in these settings just to be there but that you plan to be engaged no matter the pain. Talking and opening up is essential, yet at the same time, testing the waters to know that it is a circle of trust is not a bad approach either.
- Responding to care and apathy does not mean "it's not that bad" or "I'm just being selfish" but truly taking in the soothing, empathy, validation loving on you. Receive it and respond to it.
- Learning to think about your feelings and be able to observe yourself is also important. Journaling or tracking your negative thoughts during the week can help one get a better picture of where one is at.
- Action plans towards restoration can also help paint the road one is traveling
- Give empathy and validate others can help you move away from the self-centerness one usually has early in this process. Being able to help others while being helped can be healing as well to the whole you.
In dealing with the China Doll Mother of your past the fact is, you have to deal with that. Even though you start to get healthier from mothering as an adult, it is still a problem that you did not get this mothering the first time around. Basically, you will need to deal with the mother in your head if you want relationships and realities in the present. Not all growth comes from "digging up the past" however, there are things we carry today from the past that impacts how we live today. Forgiveness (this only takes one person) and reconciliation (which takes two willing people) is the path toward freedom and love.
What is essential in forgiving a China Doll Mother is a safe island. Our personality is shaped by both positive and negative attachments that are in our heart. It requires that we forgive AND grieve with mother that allows free space and energy for other attachments and possibly even a relationship with her. This has to be accomplished from a position of strength. We have to have what we initially needed from her to proceed. We cannot still need something from mother at this point.
We also need to be aware of our tendency to use past interactions to shape today's relationship with mother. We need to be willing to put them in the past where they belong. Children of China Doll mothers tend to withdraw in response to her fragility. Once you are aware of this "response" and similar patterns, you can give them less power in your responses moving forward.
How one feels as one goes through the grieving process is important:
- become aware of your feelings
- expressing your feelings
- understanding your feelings
- letting yourself be comforted
- letting go of your feelings
Taking to a safe person in this process is essential towards not carrying this baggage around in the future
Forgiving means to cancel a debt .. which means that mother no longer owes us. Bitterness, anger, rage, hatred all evaporate when we can finally forgive (not deny) what happened. Letting her off the hook allows you and her to be free for something better.
To deal with mother now means that your need to be soothed and validated need to be taken care of by someone other than mother. Going forward you can only related to her in ways that she can handle.
Talking about the issue may or may not happen in this lifetime. Some mothers can respond to some coaching, realizing that she does not have to fix anything for you. Other moms are not there yet, not able or willing. If this latter is the case:
- Get safety somewhere - you need a support system/network
- Set some limits - on yourself and on her .. do not expose your fragile parts to her .. limit your exposure to her as well as set limits on your wishes to be understood by her. If you are not at a point where mom does not affect you then you are still too vulnerable and need to be protected. One may find that removing yourself from the conversation or topic has to be like this: "Mom, if you continue to criticize, then I'll have to stop talking. Would you like to talk about something else?"
- Relate where she can - appreciate her for what she is vs. who you want her to be. No longer asking for what they can't deliver can open the door to enjoy what they do have to offer.
The bottom line is to forgive mom for what she could not do and if it works, work out the relationship you cold have with her now .. in His (Father's) time.
Next up: "The Controlling Mom"
Next up: "The Controlling Mom"
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