The Mom Factor (Recap #5) The Trophy Mom

"As far back as he could remember, Dan had felt that his mother, Liz, was proud of him. When friends would gripe about their own distant or uncaring mother, Dan could never relate ... "You're number one" she would tell him .. but in his adult years he started recalling other responses like when in second grade he lost the lead part of the school play Liz was disappointed in him saying "You're a Johnson, and Johnsons aren't losers. Don't let me down like this".."

Liz went on to prompt the teachers to investigate this audition that he failed. Dan was confused, did he fail or did the school fail? It seemed that his mother's guns were trained on both hoping to score somewhere.

Beyond this, it was apparent that Liz had a vested interest in all the achievements .. when she hosted bridge parties he was coerced into telling everyone about his science project or some other achievement. She seemed of go between two worlds, basking in the glow of her son's accomplishments and needing praise for herself. In fact, the family started a "Point Man Strategy" to be able to get through supper .. one person would act interested in Liz's story which would realease the rest of the family to visit and talk among themselves .. then with a kick under the table it was time for another "point-person" to take over to give the first person a break. Liz's monopolization of conversation made it difficult for the whole family.

At our core we all have a need for acceptance ... in ALL our parts. We need all our real traits and characteristics to be connected to the same relational home. We need a place where we can be ourselves, broken people in a broken family in a broken world .. in a home "where everyone knows your name" (i.e. TV show Cheers)

If we are loved and accepted for who we really are we are better equipped to go into the world. Love is the antidote to badness. We are "okay" in our badness and imperfection. We can tolerate badness in others without fear of the loss of love. Good mothering prepares us to enter this real world. I contend this is why many people still believe the myth that we have to clean up our act and be perfect before we can get close to God. Jesus said "Blessed are they that are at the END of their rope" Yes, those that are at their end are most ready to talk with Him.

Mothers have a true balancing act to accomplish, on the one hand they have to meet the child's real needs for safety, love and structure and at the same time gradually humble the child to give up their god-like wishes, grieve their perfectionism and accept both their's and the world's limitations. Some day they can say in all honesty: "I did a bad thing"

Acceptance is different than approval. While a mother accepts a child;s selfishness, demands and failures .. seeing them as realities .. and interacts with them .. she does not approve of them. In this regard the mother helps the child give up the grandiose idealisms for himself and others and enters adult lie with sound judgement about their actual strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives and is free to deal with a real world.

All children have weak parts, negative parts and mediocre parts but the child needs to know they are special even when they aren't special! Happy when they shine but the love and pride must be constant no matter the performance level. There are also "parts" that mom does not like (an aggressive child who likes to "shoot-em-up") but needs to understand that that is just "not mom". There are bad parts as well like self-centeredness and covetousness and other destructive character traits that have to be addressed IN a real relationship with one's mother.

Our need for integration .. to be able to relate to both feelings of love and hate about themselves and the world. The connection to both hatred as well as loving feelings increases the capacity for mature love and connection in this world long term. We have a need for forgiveness as well and the mother becomes a model fo forgiveness as she confronts her children with destructive behaviors while also teaching her kids how to forgive others. We also have a need to be able to grieve. After experiencing our own failings or failings in others we try to fix things but sometimes things don't get better and we have to grieve the loss. We have to learn to let go of the things we can't keep. A good mother helps a child weep, receive comfort and say goodbye to the loss .. and weeps with her child in this process.

The real me .. and the ideal me .. one is the reality, the other is the hope for the future .. and a good mother nurtures both. We as children are not good or bad .. we are loved. Speaking of love, there has to be a differentiation between love and admiration. Love involves loving the while person, the good and bad points .. but one can only admire the strengths and good points. Admiration places a person on a pedestal which also increases the separation or distance between two people. Love is much different in that one can admire the admirable qualities but love the whole child. She restrains herself from seeing her child as a superstar and therefore protects them from being addicted to praise. She will motivate them through love and consequences and so they are immune to the seductions of flattery.

There are basically two breakdowns in acceptance when the mother can't accept and deal with the "bad" parts of her child.

• Denial - mothers will pretend that Junior has no faults, no problems and no negative parts. Mother may say: "You're not really sad" "Your bad grades aren't your fault, it's the horrible school" "This problem will pass if you just ignore it" "Think about good things" The first two are from the actively denying mother, the last two from the passively denying mother.
• Judgement - this is the second destructive approach that brings an attitude of condemnation. This is more the evaluation that something is "bad", this is a judgement that leads to withdrawing from the relationship and adding hate to the condemned part. Basically this says: "This part of you is too bad to be loved, I will not connect this part of you to my love.."  This is why so many people feel guilty or hated when they disagree, or are assertive or make mistakes. The "mom-memory" causes a self-hatred.

Results of "Trophy" Mothering include:

• Performing for others - keeping the "best foot forward" in relationships .. trying to keep the other person happy and not disappointed in them. Central to this performance is the desire to be liked, avoiding other's anger and most of all .. to be seen as a good person. These people are "shame-driven" and live in fear of others finding out their real self. Many times these people have their "good" friends, but they also have their "bad" friends with whom they can be imperfect and real. These performers dread the day these two groups come together in the same venue.
• Appreciate me now and avoid the rush - narcissism can be born in the environment of the trophy mothering, a self-centered person that demands to be treated as special (rather than unique, there is a difference). Addicted to praise and flattery this person's spouse in marriage burns out in the admiring role and ends up depressed or withdrawn. Basically, the spouse realizes that they can't compete with trophy mom 1.0.
• Human mirror - the need to bring good out in others is another possib;e symptom of the trophy mom. Human mirroring affirms the grandiose self while denying the imperfect self. This prevents others from the realities they need to confront in order to change and grow. This is a disguised narcissism where superstars and specialness are needed but not directly. They get it in the people they mirror redirecting their own entitlement at others without having to own it.
• Perfectionism - operating with little room for mistakes with an internal demand to be good. Surgeons, business leaders and lawyers are the high levels these people can operate (no pun intended) at. Other times they can be paralyzed by fear of making a mistake. 
• When work is not a stage - real life work can quickly become a disappointment without trophy mom there. 
• Hiding failure - concealing mistakes, glossing over them and unable to confess failure
• Depression - after encountering failures in their work lives and personal lives as the ideal they expected never is within reach. Heartsickness takes place.
• Anxiety, shame and guilt - bearing the "trophy burden" is no walk in the park. Failing mom, others and themselves takes their toll. Expectations from others are overwhelming as they try to be perfect. In their heart of hearts they know much of their life is fraudulent .. no one really knows the buried self.
• Compulsions and addictions - to anesthetize the pain, drugs, food and sex are temporary relief.
• Spiritually - difficult to feel close or safe with God since "mother-menory" says if they are bad they are not loved.

Nowadays with mother as an adult child reveal that some things change yet other things stay the same. Mother may still desire their child make them proud so the child brings home the trophies even if she lives thousands of miles away. A job promotion gets communicated to mom before a spouse. During marital conflicts they run to mother for affirmation of their goodness. On the other hand there can be a shift toward "I thought I knew you" as the mother turns away from the hope of their child's specialness 24/7 toward them being the bad kid forever.

The next chapter "Getting Real" shows steps that can be taken toward restoration as real good AND bad, loved and reconciled adults if possible.