Difficulties came early however, like the Easter Nancy bought Ali a matching white dress and hat when Ali stomped her foot when Nancy brought the outfit out and screemed "I want to wear my red dress!" ... ",, and NO hat!"
But Nancy knew what was best for her daughter and insisted on having her way. Ali's father finally intervened and convinced Nancy to let Ali go without the hat this once.
A theme began to develop in their relationship, the two would be close, enjoy being pals and then Ali would push Nancy away and Nancy would feel hurt when there was a break in the closeness and pout when Ali didn't appreciate or want her mother's help.
In Ali's childhood the conflicts centered around he individuality, what clothes to wear, what games to play, what playmates she wanted to play with and when she wanted to play with them. Nancy loved her daughter and wanted to guide her choices thinking isn't that what mothers do? Nancy knew if she had different experiences and opportunities growing up her life would have been better and she just wanted those things "just for Ali" Nancy was confused as her relationship with her daughter evolved into a love/hate relationship.
When Ali hit adolescence it seemed that Ali's choices were against her mother's wishes, instead of her daughter wanting to be a cheerleader and running for student console she liked sports and the arts. Ali felt like her mother did not want Ali to have a life of her own and also struggled with this rift. Ali longed to get away from her family and have her own space and eventually decided not to go to college which was central to her mother's dream for her. This caused Nancy to think that she had failed as a mother and that Ali had let her down. Ali felt confused about how the rest of her life was to unfold estranged from her mother.
Different from the Phantom Mom where the connection does not occur, in this case of the Controlling Mom, the connection occurs but there is not the next big step of assisting the child in becoming an individual in their own right. We humans are wired to need a "we" (connections) but also an "I" (individualism). There needs to be an allowance and a fostering of independence and assertion of will, intentionality and separateness. Mother should allow and foster individual identity and differences .. to discipline poor choices, behaviors and attitudes and set limits and actually FRUSTRATE the child's wish to avoid independence and separateness.
Each child has a will that emerges in early childhood and again at adolescence. Some have more than others (i.e "strong-willed"). This attribute is very important as it leads to one becoming self-directing, intentional and eventually independent. Some mothers see this attribute as bad and that the will must be broken. But remember "The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity, but a broken spirit who can bear" Spirit means "breath" or "life" in this proverb. Not only do they need a will to live, they need a will to say no to the evil will of others. A child needs a certain degree of freedom to make choices as well as to experience the consequences of poor choices while they are growing up.
The balancing act between the boundaries of society, the law, our culture, safety, morality and the freedom of the individual is not easy for a mother to accomplish ,, but the mother must resist enforcing limits to keep the child from being different. The other aspect is that the child needs to know that they are not god, that there are others impacted by what they say and do and so there is a need of rules and consequences for bad behavior so that the child suffers loss but also learns from these experiences.
Some mothers find it difficult to set limits and abdicate all discipline to the father. However, it is important for a mother to discipline her child so they learn relational values. If a mother can be walked on the child never learns to respect their love objects. Basically, if a mother CAN say no to their child, then the child CAN say no to themselves and therefore learn to respect others limits and boundaries. A child gets their "self-control" from this process.
The mother who finds it difficult to set boundaries is an "enabler", where the mother expects certain performance but fails to enforce or allow consequences. She may do the child's homework or let slide a deadline for chores or pay the fine at the library, etc. This pattern can continue well after the child has grown up.
Mothers need to:
- Set clear age-appropriate boundaries, rules and expectations that are measurable and observable
- Set, with the child if possible, appropriate rewards and consequences
- Set and follow through on the consequences for behavior
- Allow the child to experience those consequences
- Offer more freedom as responsibility develops
- Posses clear interpersonal boundaries and self-respect so that the child learns to respect those he loves and will not use or walk over them
If done in a loving way, the children will learn the important truth, that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand.
Let me go/please take care of me is the dual cry of every child at every development phase along the way. Anxiety is inevitable at each growth step. Problems arise when the Controlling Mother has difficulty when the child is regressing and actually thinks its mean to refuse their child's desire to remain dependent. She may enjoy the dependency of the child which can happen if the mother feels lonely in her marriage. She uses the child to fill the gap to meet her unmet dependencies. A good mother says "Long enough in the nest" at each of the stages of the child's development.
" Jeri wanted to go on a trip over spring vacation with her youth group and when she asked permission she ran into trouble. 'What? And leave our family for the whole time?' her mother gasped."
If mom has a problem with her child's budding independence, separating can be a difficult process for both. Mothers can attack their child's independence in many ways, here are a few:
- Guilt - guilt is used to control. A mother in essence is saying "you are destroying me with your independence" A child can't cope with the aspect that they are hurting their mother. Guilt is one of the most powerful attacks on freedom and guilt remains with the child when they leave their mother behind.
- Abandonment / Withdrawal of Love - the silent message that is heard loudly by most children when it is understood that "I don't love you if you choose to separate" This can also be linked to the withdrawal of financial support, attention and encouragement as well.
- Attack / Anger - children who are attempted to be controlled this way are quick with the "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" line right after they have asserted themselves. This is what fear does, when a parent goes into a rage that demands an apology to THEM.
- Lack of Structure - rather than an active guilt, abandonment, attack this is a passive shift that removes the structure needed for the child's maturation process.
Results of the Controlling Mom environment:
Relational Problems
- Inability to say no
- Control issues
- Fear of intimacy and commitment
- Codependency
Functional Problems
- Disorganization
- Identity and talents
- Delay of gratification
- Irresponsibility
Emotional problems
- Depression
- Feelings of Powerlessness and Hopelessness
- Addictions and Impulse Problems
- Isolation
- Anxiety States and Panic Attacks
- Blaming
These effects where responsibility for ones own life is not owned up to can last from the twenties to the seventies. Here are a couple themes observed:
- She Won't Let Me - where an adult is still being guilted by the controlling mother .. where choosing to make her happy overrides the adult's desires
- Just a Little to Get Me Through the End of the Month - what started as help with a book report by the child that never read the book .. as an adult it is now mom bailing them out to be able to make the mortgage payment ... or even to be bailed out of jail for drunk driving .. where the very consequences that would cause the child to finally grow up and become responsible are blocked by a loving mother who can't see her child in pain.
The next chapter "Becoming Your Own Person" is now to repair the problems your controlling mother may have caused you and how to deal responsibly now that you are an adult.
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