The Mom Factor (Recap #5b) - "Getting Real"

"It was a moment of change for Cliff and one that I (Dr. Cloud) as an onlooker, will never forget. Cliff's gaze was directed at the floor; in his shame, he was unable to look at the group members. As Cliff's therapist I already knew about his struggle, and I waited now for him to tell the others. He kept his eyes down, but he finally began to talk "I don't know how to say this, but there is something I need to confess, I am addicted to pornography" I watched the group, they were motionless and quiet. "I know that is not what you expected of me, and I feel awful about it, but I had to tell someone" He began to cry and slumped down further in his seat as he continued to tell his story. I looked at the room at all the compassionate and caring faces. A few group members even had tears in their eyes... but Cliff would neither sense their empathy or compassion nor see it, for he was looking down, caught up in his own guilt and shame. I decided that since the group's care was what he needed, I would intervene. "Cliff" I said. "I want you to look up" "I can't" he said. His shame was overwhelming...but I kept after him knowing that he would only find compassion if he did. Slowly he raised his head and checked out the group members one by one .. I watched a transformation take place inside of him. He became more connected as he could see their compassion and lack of condemnation. He began to cry, but it was a different kind of cry. He was truly letting go, releasing all the pain and shame that had been bothering him for so long...He did not have to be perfect to be loved..."

The Death No One Wants to Experience - the story of the Garden of Eden is a story of Paradise lost. Made in the perfect One's image, we are unable to be perfect. We try with plastic surgery, make-up, white-lies, material possessions, membership in the right club, group or church but in reality we are doomed to fail. Every child of a trophy mom in some way encounters death. When people share their failings in detail .. they feel sadness .. that is the funeral around this death. They also feel relief in knowing that they are not alone in this struggle. A good funeral does that as well. They find that togetherness is more important than perfection. Maybe there is something to what Jesus said: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"

Community is a requirement for getting past the problem of inadequate mothering. If we did not get it from her we do need to get it from others towards being restored. True friends have these attributes:

• humility - acknowledged their own imperfections and no longer demand perfection from themselves
• absence of condemnation - able to avoid making you feel worse or unacceptable for who you are
• absence of denial - able to face the reality of your badness, weakness and imperfection
• ability to confront - possess the courage to tell you what they see
• acceptance - embrace and love you where you are

A good mother does not demand perfection, but neither does she let faults go unnoticed. Mothering of children raised by a trophy mom will need both grace and truth for their journey.

The adult child will have to own the process in overcoming being a trophy. Joining together with another individual or group is a start. Confess OR agree with the reality of where you are at. Processing the negative feelings and losses will be a challenge because many times, trophy moms see those things as not something their child should do. These mothers want their children free from pain and disappointment.  But this is a path, a journey that must be traveled to heal and grow into all we can be. A reworking of what "ideal" really means is also necessary as a reasonable goal to work towards. It will also require learning to love less than the ideal which means others can't be expected to be perfect, and while you may act nice on the outside, inside there can be deep contempt. This will always block true intimacy. Challenging distorted thinking, the negative thought patterns, the critical evaluation of yourself and others will all have to be re-wired. The acceptance of failure as a NORMAL part of life in this broken world will be required in this journey as well. Monitoring of the emotional relationship between the real and ideal will be a daily life-skill that will be needed to stay on track. Repentance and prayer can also greatly assist in the road to recovery. The response to love will have to shift and be allowed to soak into one's soul. Be on the lookout for fear and resistance to grace and acceptance as this may derail you.

Dealing with the real mom of yesterday is a parallel process after you have a true friend and/or support group. This will require awareness, feelings and forgiveness at a minimum and reconciliation if possible.

• Be Aware - you will need to learn the patterns of that relationship with mother so you will be able to leave them behind.
• Process the Hurt Feelings - there are feelings about your trophy mom and the experiences you are unpacking. Sometimes you will feel great pain and feel rejected all over again. You will have to learn to embrace that pain and sadness and grieve your wish for her to accept you as you REALLY are. Feeling and grieving the unresolved feelings as well and express your anger and sadness to someone who cares. Grief is the road to resolution.
• Understand Her - she is probably not a villain .. she probably did not set out to do this to you. She either did not or could not work through the issues as you are doing so now. The transition to love her as she is .. is parallel to how you want to be treated by others. It may help to understand where she came from, what she was struggling with, and what kind of demands might have been on her .. only then you might find it easier to accept her.
• Forgive - forgiving the trophy mom is the same as the cure, non-forgiveness is the same as the sickness. Only a close true friend could say to someone "Sounds to me like you want to be free from her, but now you have become just like her"  ... silence .. being accused of being just like their mother is sometimes what they least expected. When you think it through it makes sense .. a trophy daughter demanding the perfect mother. Forgiveness is never denying what happened or your feelings. Even with forgiveness, the feelings don't just disappear.

Relationship with mother today .. what can you hope for? Firstly, you will need to stop wanting acceptance. She has the power over you in the present to the degree to which you still need her acceptance. You will grieve what you did not receive as a child and move on to get your mothering from a true friend or a true group. Talking it out is also an option but this does take two. Sometimes it just does not work out right now. Trophy mothers have difficulty hearing any negatives  To the mothers who refuse to deal with the issue you will need to set limits as only you know how much contact is too much contact. You will need to set limits on yourself as well as on your mother, especially if there are grandchildren, marrriage or your own sanity is involved. Ultimately, being the bigger person means relating to her where SHE can and loving her WHERE you can.

You will need good mothering from somewhere to be the person God created you to be, Grieve, forgive and let go of the past and create the best kind of relationship possible with your mother today whatever that looks like, so that in freedom and in love the trophy can be set aside once and for all.