This chapter should help you become the person God intended you to be. To proceed, we have to identify the what and who the core problem is. The reason for this is:
- You see mom as the solution to this problem - due to the very reals aspect that while mother was controlling, she was also supportive and loving as well as very involved in your life. So when relationship issues, depression or independence fails (all symptoms) arrive, one might not see this as anything to do with mother, but mother is where you may run to.(Example) Amy looked up to her mom and wanted a family like her the ideal that she thought her mother accomplished. Being in daily contact, Amy's frustrations with her husband drove her to her mother who would console her and then suggest that maybe if she were just nicer to her husband things would work out. "You attract more flies with honey than vinegar" her mother would say. Armed with this advice, Amy would apologize, appease and comply with her husband as this is how she was trained. Even though her marriage never got better as this cycle would repeat, she thought to herself "Where would I be without my mom?" She entered counseling for her depression and marriage issues but the core issue was never addressed - her undeveloped independence.
- You see mom as the problem - this is where you know you have "mom problems" like feeling guilty because mom accuses you of not calling enough or resenting the fact that she is controlling and running your life. However, the real issue is a personality character problem - you identity apart from mom needs to be set .. autonomy needs to happen and setting boundaries is essential.
These problems need to be owned by you and attention to relational, functional and emotional symptoms you are experiencing need to be channeled towards repairing and developing in your "re-mothering relationships" where certain characteristics are essential in these supportive people for this growth path to be effective. Since you will need to differentiate yourself from others, you will need to experience saying NO, disagreeing with other people's opinions as well as confronting others. Characteristics include:
- Intimate - these people need to be able to be emotionally close so they can empathize and relate with all parts of you - sad, bad, glad or mad. Relational skills so that painful issues can be addressed and the persistence to stay connected with you even in conflict.
- Honest - truthful feedback is essential for this journey even when you relapse into compliance or withdrawing from confrontation .. this is a development track that honest feedback can coach you through. Being wrong in an argument is great progress over always avoiding an argument.
- Process-oriented - this person will have to know that it will require time for you to grow .. becoming a distinct person is hard work and involves a lot of failure steps. Relapsing towards apologizing for being selfish and mean is a constant theme. This is not a week or two project and sometimes it is the people who have been down this road might be the best to help you down your own unique road with unique curves, hills, valleys and distance.
Tasks along the way include:
- Developing a separate will - this is un/under developed in the adult children of controlling moms. Whether it be mom, spouse or friends, this person has no muscle of their own. What needs to happen first is to own that attribute (similar to the 1st step in a 12-step program). When a person can't bring their own differences to the table .. they themselves are not really present at that table. "Yes people" usually have a lot of friends but their own thoughts, joys and pains always remain in the backseat in these environments. To unpack this, it might take a verbal conflict (like around politics, religion or family issues) to allow others to challenge you in hearing YOUR thoughts on the matter at hand. This takes people who know your resistance and reluctance to enter into these discussions with your own thoughts and ideas. In time this truth can be reality: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love"
- Create an identity - the ability to make your OWN choices, define you own unique personality and character is basically a self-discovery process. It is a jigsaw puzzle that requires discarding different pieces until the right ones form your real self. In this process, a bad decision is better than no decision. There is much to be gained/learned from the bad decisions, it is not a waste. Some people even go by a different version of their name or take on a new nickname with their new identity that suits them better.
- Live within limits - in the freedom comes responsibility, along with the risk-taking will come times to suffer the consequences of those decisions as this will also help repair the enabling mother's damage to learn delays of gratifications and controlling of ones urges. Your support network will need to be able to give you tough love when your decisions need to be connected to their even unintentional consequences.
- Deal with dependency - your support group will have to be strong enough to resist your need to have them parent you to help you parent yourself. You will have to shoulder your own burdens as "for each once should carry his own load".
- Develop Proactivity - undefined people are called reactors, they refrain from making decisions until someone else does (for them sometimes) but proactive people take the initiative. In the past, in environments of conflict, you may have been hyper-vigilant and anxiously reading the other person's mood before you respond. This prohibits you from taking ownership of the problem. When you see a problem in a relationship, take the first step .. like "It bothered me when you didn't return my phone call". It is as simple as that.
- Set Boundaries - personal property lines are what these are, they define your end and where others begin. Setting limits helps you protect your character from which as a strong foundation can be used to love and serve others. One has to clearly set these .. and keep the consequences for those that trespass.
- Respect Other's Boundaries - if we want others to respect our limits, we must respect theirs. Sometimes the best friend can communicate "I'm not doing this against you, I'm doing this for me" Sometimes even the best friends might have to cancel a long planned event for THEIR best interest and health.
Re-relating to mom as you become more defined, separate and independent is a re-configuration process. You will need to become other-centered in being aware of her struggles who may have been abandoned or controlled themselves. Some had to take the parent role with their own parents or siblings. You might even ask her about her past to help unpack things that she had to OR has to struggle with that you might not be aware of. You may also introduce her to the "new you", that you took the initiative for personal growth to go down this road. Don't expect encouragement but allow her to get some insight into your new journey. Set necessary limits or ground rules with mother, you might say that you have the option to leave the house/hang up the phone if she yells when you disagree with her or if she nags you about not calling the week before. If you have children, make it clear that she operates with her grand-kids the way YOU ask her to. Basically, you want her to try to listen to what you are saying instead of telling you what you are thinking. Just as important, make sure mom knows that you want her to tell YOU when you might have crossed her boundaries that this can be a mutual process.
You will need to confront her on matters of principle .. and when necessary, change the subject if you need to when mom gets going on unimportant things. Some moms dominate, others get their way by not listening and others use guilt. Setting limits can help you continue to navigate your way on your journey and allow mom to tag along for SOME of it OR not. She might not be ready for that, allow her the space to opt out.
As time goes on you may be surprised at how much easier it is to see your mother's good qualities as you let go of her brokenness in her own mothering of you. Once you start on a path of restoration, you might actually enjoy a different yet rewarding relatinship with your mother, but there are no guarantees.
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