The Mom Factor (Recap #6b) - "Rebuilding Your Adulthood"

So what is the difference between the Controlling Mom and the Still-the-Boss Mom? There is a different emphasis. To recover from the Still-the-Boss mother one needs to not only become your own person BUT you need to become an equal with other adults. The first task then is to discover how you are separate and different from your mother and then secondly, become equal with her.

So basically, you can be separate from other adults but still feel "one-down" to them. One person superior, one person inferior, all day every day. This is not good.  You will have to grow up after your a grown-up. It doesn't matter if you have not lived with your mother for 6 months, 6 years or several decades, you are still the child.

Some questions might help unpack all this:

• How do you feel with you disagree with other adults?
• How do you feel when you have an opinion different from an authority figure? Can you express it?
• Are you judgmental of others?
• Do you feel inferior or superior to others instead of equals?
• Do you feel confident in your own decisions?
• Do you feel comfortable with your own sexuality?
• Do you recognize and pursue your talents?
• Can you submit to others in authority without conflict?
• Without being judgmental, can you value and love people who are different?

A story about Samantha, a conscientious mother, labored over which preschool to send her children. One school was known for early training in skills, the other its social emphasis. She wanted to do the right thing so she called on a few "knowledgeable" friends. The first one went on and on about the importance of skills and academics. The second one said there are a million smart educated people in the world who can't make it in life due to their lack of social skills. She was now more confused than ever, who to listen to and knowing that one of her friends would not be pleased once a decision was made and she could not bear that ... so she called on her husband to make the decision so she would be off the hook.

Steps toward adulting:

1. Get sick and tired enough to make a change - if you live under the expectations of others long enough, you will get sick and tired. It is time to revolt and establish your own ground rules ... righteous anger for a good cause.
2. Find your own true peer group - you have to find people who will not play that game .. that will instead treat you as a peer, respecting your freedom and ability to think for yourself.
3. Reevaluate beliefs - when you grew up being told what to believe, you now need to take a fresh look at finances, religion, politics, church, career .. even minorities and child-rearing! Inherited beliefs are rarely your own convictions .. you need to own these.
4. Disagree with authority figures - remember, good leaders want to hear opinions that are different than their own 
5. Make your own decisions - take responsibility and the heat for decision-making.
6. Deal with your sexuality - ,mother's "hush-hush" about sex may have hindered your ability to respond sexually .. with the peer group explore the values, feelings, thoughts and opinions about sex.
7. Give yourself permission to be equal with your parents - you now have the same rights as them, now act like it as your friends support you in this "new look"
8. Recognize talents and dreams - now is the time to develop those undeveloped gifts and abilities
9. Practice - one has to let go the fear of doing it wrong and embrace failure as a step toward learning
10. Gain authority over acting out - rebelliousness has its place and time, self-control helps to bring a proper balance
11. Submit out of freedom - there are times when one can be the bigger person and live to fight another day

Dealing with mother of the past requires:

• Find a safe place to be able to grow up in
• Gain awareness of the patterns around Still-the-Boss mothers that are yours
• Process the feelings - resentment, sadness, anger and grief
• Challenge the messages of your inner-voice (that sounds like mother)
• Forgive - let mom off the hook so you both can be free to move beyond the past

Watch for relapse - resistance when this new freedom gives way to paralysis:

• Blaming your inactivity on others
• Excuse your lack of performance on "external factors"
• Complain about your mother as if she is the only thing holding you back from growth
• Gripe about authority figures as if they have control of you
• Whine about your lack of talents and abilities
• Bowing down to figures you have placed on pedestals
• Repress your own opinions
• Dream instead of doing

Your new relationship with mom - since you are in control of your life now .. there are two ways this can go .. the ideal and the not-so-good:

Ideal -

• Affirm her and the parenting job she did
• Do not sound "blamey" like a victim, remember, your an adult now
• Focus on the fact that you want to be friends .. ones who respect each other's freedom to choose
• Let her know you need her help by asking her to push back when you start acting like a child again
• Ask her how to respond if she starts mothering you in a way you do not want
• Discuss roles and expectations
• Ask her where you might have hurt her and own that and apologize
• Explore new things that the two of you might be able to do together

Not-so-good - 

• Talk with your peer support group, grieve it and give it up for if mother will not give up the Still-the-Boss role you must let go of your desire for her to change
• Do not respond in anger .. anger means she still has control of you - just deal on what YOU can change
• Do not respond out of guilt - guilt also means that she is still in control
• Feel free to disagree - instead of responding "stop controlling me" just say "no, I don't think that is what I want to do". Be assertive and direct.
• Set limits for yourself - space to recover is important
• Set limits with mother - if she does a,b,c say you will have to do d,e,f ..it is to protect your children (if you have them) as well
• Use your support system - call them before and after an interaction with your mother
• Relate to mom's strengths - maybe there is some subject that she can assist with unrelated to the areas that usually lead to conflict
• Love your mother - even from a distance, love is the adult position .. love does NOT mean obey and sometimes it means "confront" but it never means repay evil with evil.

The Mom Factor (Recap #6) - "The Still-the-Boss Mom"

"Brad and his mother, Sharon, had always been close .. Sharon was a loving and involved mom. She took her responsibility as a parent seriously and more than anything wanted to "train up a child in the way he should go"... she wanted to impart good, sound principles and ways of thinking to her son. It was a scary world out there and he needed to be armed and ready for it.

Sharon had definite principles, opinions and values fixed in her mind... She had read extensively and reach conclusions on the matters .. She knew [what she believed in], stood firm and "walked the talk". Brad was her primary student of the "Sharon School of Thinking" .. teaching him that you could judge people's character by their clothes and musical tastes. The more conservative the style, the better the character... There was a "right" denomination, a "correct" translation of the Bible, and a "true" style of worship.

As long as Brad agreed with Sharon's values, things went well ..."

As you can expect, once Brad shared his dreams of becoming a pilot or astronaut she would dismiss him with "Such nonsense, your father has a good family business and you'll be quite successful in that when your grown. You'll see" Sharon had a pre-ordained plan for his life. She also believed that life has order and we all have bosses so the key to success is to find out the rules and obey them. She would not stand for Brad challenging her authority or Brad's other bosses at school or at church. Obey without question was her motto.

As it turned out, when Brad did challenge authority at school he got more support from the school than he did his own mother. Sharon on the other hand would squash his rebellious spirit in all forms. Brad even asked "What if I disagree with out political party's candidate?" she would respond "What does a 12-year-old know about politics? Just listen to me, I have spent a lot of time ...." and Brad would walk away mumbling "That's my mom"

As Brad grew older he went to others for his taboo questions since he understood his mom to think that sex was just a necessary evil. She thought it was just an animalistic instinct that should not be succumbed to. Sharon's answers did not satisfy Brad so he talked to his peers and found out more than he wanted to know. He became sexually active in high school but was internally conflicted with guilt feelings. His peer's "Free Sex" would be a high price tab for Brad. Sharon was a good person and well-intentioned mother but every approach she made to Brad carried one message: "No matter how old you get, I will always be your mother, and you will always be my kid" At 16 Brad was over six foot tall but still felt mother's views were towering over his immature head - she was still the boss.

A good mother does more that nurture her child, she also looks at her child through the lens of the future .. the potential adult in the child ... that she is preparing her child for eventual equality. She will be sad during the process but be happy as well when the child blossoms into their own person. She want to develop a peer and a friend. The Still-the-Boss mother injures the child's ability to become an autonomous, functioning adult.

• Authority - Brad's mother was right in a way about order to life, she just overestimated her role. There are two things mothers need to encourage is both challenge and submission. In the challenge area, the process of thinking through and struggling with authority figures help you to determine what your values are. Challenging is also valuable in rebelling against improper authorities, so if the boss directs you to do something illegal, you will not follow through. A good mother is not threatened by the challenge as she knows her child is working through all that. Submission has a role as well as the child sees taxes are paid, that there are house rules in place. A good mother gradually allows the child more authority and more responsibility. The two extremes are avoided by this, the child will not mature into a compliant people-pleaser and will also be able to keep a job by working under a boss and their rules.
• Values - teaching core values is a parent's role for sure, but teaching a child to think for themselves is a life-skill that is needed to navigate this broken world. A mother should frustrate a child's wish for direct answers as they grow up thereby encouraging them to look it up themselves. Thinking critically is a part of this formula, knowing how to observe, how to check new information against what might already be known and reject or incorporate it.
• Talents - children need to both become aware as well as develope their unique gifts, talents and abilities. Providing opportunities is a start, encouraging them towards practice and working hard in the things they value and excels in. This is a key to work ethic, career aims and many other job skills.
• Gender Roles - pre-adolescent children developing their sex roles have the daughters becoming competitive with their mother as she tests her power and control. She may be jealous with mom's closeness to dad and wants to be his special girl. Mom needs to gently help her daughter understand that dad and mom belong to each other but a world of boys awaits for her out there. The girl will then identify with mom's feminine qualities. The same goes for sons and their moms, the moms need to resist the temptation to make her son more important than her husband. The son then identifies with their father's masculine roles and qualities.
• Friendships - to enter the adult world, children need to learn to connect to people other than mom. Not only to either sex, but to people of different ages and different types of individuals. Mother must actively help the child make these friendships.
• Adolescence - as the teen years begin the child is caught between two very different islands of life - childhood and adulthood. The child begins to shift from a one-down relationship to an equal one, leaving the mother-knows-best world for the real world. Dependent on mom one minute and thinking mother is a prison warden the next minute is typical. The shift themother needs is to change from parenting by control toward parenting by influence. Timeouts no longer work but getting an "F" without a parental rescue might. Everything at this stage is set for mom to reflect on the teen leaving the nest. A good mother does not have taboo subjects and welcomes discussions on finance, love, spirituality, culture and work. She will know what battles to fight, and which ones she lets go. She will have to welcome differences in her child and at the same time keep a firm hold on accountability and responsibility. All the while she is loosening her hold, she is allowing the child to be more responsible. At this point in the transition, motherhood is not respected, there is no gratitude from the child but this is how it rolls. It is a difficult process but in the long term a rewarding one.

Results of Still-the-Boss mothering:

• One Down Style - this adult feels inferior to others, incapable in making competent adult decisions in life and defers to others. Often rule-bound, they only relax when they know the regulations. Does not take creative risks and will follow authoritative "guru" types.
• One Up Style - this adult has adopted a superior role and aspires to lead and control others. Tends to be critical and condescending at work, in friendship or in love and has to have the last word .. it is their way or the highway. Sometimes at work this person might be submissive to those up the chain of command but demeaning down the chain of command. In the name of caring they take control of and dominate others.
• Rebellious Style - resists all rules and authorities, sees bosses, parents and teachers as controlling and abusive to their freedom to be themselves. They can't work in the chain of command and will complain "The boss had it in for me". In perpetual protest, this rebel still defines himself by the parent.

Functionally, they are either 1) afraid of disapproval 2) attempting to be parental or 3) hating all parents. This person tends to be more concerned about finding the "right" goals .. follow-through is an issue, gets close to a promotion or agetting a certain woman's attention only to get anxious and be paralyzed. Basically, to arrive at being an adult send them into a panic as they revert to try to be a child again since it is safer.

Emotionally there are several dynamics:

• inability to be an adult in a world with adult demands
• repressed anger and sexual feelings
• guilt over intense emotions and drives
• failures in attempts to please others
• obsessive/compulsive disorders
• substance abuse, sexual addictions and other compulsive and impulsive behaviors as they try to medicate this internal conflict

Spiritually they may see God as a dictatorial judge and if they have a relationship it is based in fear and dependent on their own performance. They can't feel safe with or approved by Him. Others may learn much head-knowledge, doctrine and theology about Him but if they can't put God in a box and keep Him appeased they run the risk of making a mistake incurring his disapproval and wrath,

Now days with the Still-the-Boss mother means when mom's around, her child will regress into that little boy. The little boy (or little girl) will not disagree with mother but as they leave mom's the spouse may say "you'r not yourself arond your mother". Others may go crazy fixing up the house when mother comes to visit to prove that they are OK. Usually it is never good enough as mom is usually critical enough to find something wrong. The rebel version has a stormy relationship with his mother where outright defiance and shock are used.

The permanent child struggles in many arenas .. painful signs and symptoms are a wake-up call. The next chapter "Rebuilding Your Adulthood" will show the process towards restoration.

The Mom Factor (Recap #5b) - "Getting Real"

"It was a moment of change for Cliff and one that I (Dr. Cloud) as an onlooker, will never forget. Cliff's gaze was directed at the floor; in his shame, he was unable to look at the group members. As Cliff's therapist I already knew about his struggle, and I waited now for him to tell the others. He kept his eyes down, but he finally began to talk "I don't know how to say this, but there is something I need to confess, I am addicted to pornography" I watched the group, they were motionless and quiet. "I know that is not what you expected of me, and I feel awful about it, but I had to tell someone" He began to cry and slumped down further in his seat as he continued to tell his story. I looked at the room at all the compassionate and caring faces. A few group members even had tears in their eyes... but Cliff would neither sense their empathy or compassion nor see it, for he was looking down, caught up in his own guilt and shame. I decided that since the group's care was what he needed, I would intervene. "Cliff" I said. "I want you to look up" "I can't" he said. His shame was overwhelming...but I kept after him knowing that he would only find compassion if he did. Slowly he raised his head and checked out the group members one by one .. I watched a transformation take place inside of him. He became more connected as he could see their compassion and lack of condemnation. He began to cry, but it was a different kind of cry. He was truly letting go, releasing all the pain and shame that had been bothering him for so long...He did not have to be perfect to be loved..."

The Death No One Wants to Experience - the story of the Garden of Eden is a story of Paradise lost. Made in the perfect One's image, we are unable to be perfect. We try with plastic surgery, make-up, white-lies, material possessions, membership in the right club, group or church but in reality we are doomed to fail. Every child of a trophy mom in some way encounters death. When people share their failings in detail .. they feel sadness .. that is the funeral around this death. They also feel relief in knowing that they are not alone in this struggle. A good funeral does that as well. They find that togetherness is more important than perfection. Maybe there is something to what Jesus said: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"

Community is a requirement for getting past the problem of inadequate mothering. If we did not get it from her we do need to get it from others towards being restored. True friends have these attributes:

• humility - acknowledged their own imperfections and no longer demand perfection from themselves
• absence of condemnation - able to avoid making you feel worse or unacceptable for who you are
• absence of denial - able to face the reality of your badness, weakness and imperfection
• ability to confront - possess the courage to tell you what they see
• acceptance - embrace and love you where you are

A good mother does not demand perfection, but neither does she let faults go unnoticed. Mothering of children raised by a trophy mom will need both grace and truth for their journey.

The adult child will have to own the process in overcoming being a trophy. Joining together with another individual or group is a start. Confess OR agree with the reality of where you are at. Processing the negative feelings and losses will be a challenge because many times, trophy moms see those things as not something their child should do. These mothers want their children free from pain and disappointment.  But this is a path, a journey that must be traveled to heal and grow into all we can be. A reworking of what "ideal" really means is also necessary as a reasonable goal to work towards. It will also require learning to love less than the ideal which means others can't be expected to be perfect, and while you may act nice on the outside, inside there can be deep contempt. This will always block true intimacy. Challenging distorted thinking, the negative thought patterns, the critical evaluation of yourself and others will all have to be re-wired. The acceptance of failure as a NORMAL part of life in this broken world will be required in this journey as well. Monitoring of the emotional relationship between the real and ideal will be a daily life-skill that will be needed to stay on track. Repentance and prayer can also greatly assist in the road to recovery. The response to love will have to shift and be allowed to soak into one's soul. Be on the lookout for fear and resistance to grace and acceptance as this may derail you.

Dealing with the real mom of yesterday is a parallel process after you have a true friend and/or support group. This will require awareness, feelings and forgiveness at a minimum and reconciliation if possible.

• Be Aware - you will need to learn the patterns of that relationship with mother so you will be able to leave them behind.
• Process the Hurt Feelings - there are feelings about your trophy mom and the experiences you are unpacking. Sometimes you will feel great pain and feel rejected all over again. You will have to learn to embrace that pain and sadness and grieve your wish for her to accept you as you REALLY are. Feeling and grieving the unresolved feelings as well and express your anger and sadness to someone who cares. Grief is the road to resolution.
• Understand Her - she is probably not a villain .. she probably did not set out to do this to you. She either did not or could not work through the issues as you are doing so now. The transition to love her as she is .. is parallel to how you want to be treated by others. It may help to understand where she came from, what she was struggling with, and what kind of demands might have been on her .. only then you might find it easier to accept her.
• Forgive - forgiving the trophy mom is the same as the cure, non-forgiveness is the same as the sickness. Only a close true friend could say to someone "Sounds to me like you want to be free from her, but now you have become just like her"  ... silence .. being accused of being just like their mother is sometimes what they least expected. When you think it through it makes sense .. a trophy daughter demanding the perfect mother. Forgiveness is never denying what happened or your feelings. Even with forgiveness, the feelings don't just disappear.

Relationship with mother today .. what can you hope for? Firstly, you will need to stop wanting acceptance. She has the power over you in the present to the degree to which you still need her acceptance. You will grieve what you did not receive as a child and move on to get your mothering from a true friend or a true group. Talking it out is also an option but this does take two. Sometimes it just does not work out right now. Trophy mothers have difficulty hearing any negatives  To the mothers who refuse to deal with the issue you will need to set limits as only you know how much contact is too much contact. You will need to set limits on yourself as well as on your mother, especially if there are grandchildren, marrriage or your own sanity is involved. Ultimately, being the bigger person means relating to her where SHE can and loving her WHERE you can.

You will need good mothering from somewhere to be the person God created you to be, Grieve, forgive and let go of the past and create the best kind of relationship possible with your mother today whatever that looks like, so that in freedom and in love the trophy can be set aside once and for all.

The Mom Factor (Recap #5) The Trophy Mom

"As far back as he could remember, Dan had felt that his mother, Liz, was proud of him. When friends would gripe about their own distant or uncaring mother, Dan could never relate ... "You're number one" she would tell him .. but in his adult years he started recalling other responses like when in second grade he lost the lead part of the school play Liz was disappointed in him saying "You're a Johnson, and Johnsons aren't losers. Don't let me down like this".."

Liz went on to prompt the teachers to investigate this audition that he failed. Dan was confused, did he fail or did the school fail? It seemed that his mother's guns were trained on both hoping to score somewhere.

Beyond this, it was apparent that Liz had a vested interest in all the achievements .. when she hosted bridge parties he was coerced into telling everyone about his science project or some other achievement. She seemed of go between two worlds, basking in the glow of her son's accomplishments and needing praise for herself. In fact, the family started a "Point Man Strategy" to be able to get through supper .. one person would act interested in Liz's story which would realease the rest of the family to visit and talk among themselves .. then with a kick under the table it was time for another "point-person" to take over to give the first person a break. Liz's monopolization of conversation made it difficult for the whole family.

At our core we all have a need for acceptance ... in ALL our parts. We need all our real traits and characteristics to be connected to the same relational home. We need a place where we can be ourselves, broken people in a broken family in a broken world .. in a home "where everyone knows your name" (i.e. TV show Cheers)

If we are loved and accepted for who we really are we are better equipped to go into the world. Love is the antidote to badness. We are "okay" in our badness and imperfection. We can tolerate badness in others without fear of the loss of love. Good mothering prepares us to enter this real world. I contend this is why many people still believe the myth that we have to clean up our act and be perfect before we can get close to God. Jesus said "Blessed are they that are at the END of their rope" Yes, those that are at their end are most ready to talk with Him.

Mothers have a true balancing act to accomplish, on the one hand they have to meet the child's real needs for safety, love and structure and at the same time gradually humble the child to give up their god-like wishes, grieve their perfectionism and accept both their's and the world's limitations. Some day they can say in all honesty: "I did a bad thing"

Acceptance is different than approval. While a mother accepts a child;s selfishness, demands and failures .. seeing them as realities .. and interacts with them .. she does not approve of them. In this regard the mother helps the child give up the grandiose idealisms for himself and others and enters adult lie with sound judgement about their actual strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives and is free to deal with a real world.

All children have weak parts, negative parts and mediocre parts but the child needs to know they are special even when they aren't special! Happy when they shine but the love and pride must be constant no matter the performance level. There are also "parts" that mom does not like (an aggressive child who likes to "shoot-em-up") but needs to understand that that is just "not mom". There are bad parts as well like self-centeredness and covetousness and other destructive character traits that have to be addressed IN a real relationship with one's mother.

Our need for integration .. to be able to relate to both feelings of love and hate about themselves and the world. The connection to both hatred as well as loving feelings increases the capacity for mature love and connection in this world long term. We have a need for forgiveness as well and the mother becomes a model fo forgiveness as she confronts her children with destructive behaviors while also teaching her kids how to forgive others. We also have a need to be able to grieve. After experiencing our own failings or failings in others we try to fix things but sometimes things don't get better and we have to grieve the loss. We have to learn to let go of the things we can't keep. A good mother helps a child weep, receive comfort and say goodbye to the loss .. and weeps with her child in this process.

The real me .. and the ideal me .. one is the reality, the other is the hope for the future .. and a good mother nurtures both. We as children are not good or bad .. we are loved. Speaking of love, there has to be a differentiation between love and admiration. Love involves loving the while person, the good and bad points .. but one can only admire the strengths and good points. Admiration places a person on a pedestal which also increases the separation or distance between two people. Love is much different in that one can admire the admirable qualities but love the whole child. She restrains herself from seeing her child as a superstar and therefore protects them from being addicted to praise. She will motivate them through love and consequences and so they are immune to the seductions of flattery.

There are basically two breakdowns in acceptance when the mother can't accept and deal with the "bad" parts of her child.

• Denial - mothers will pretend that Junior has no faults, no problems and no negative parts. Mother may say: "You're not really sad" "Your bad grades aren't your fault, it's the horrible school" "This problem will pass if you just ignore it" "Think about good things" The first two are from the actively denying mother, the last two from the passively denying mother.
• Judgement - this is the second destructive approach that brings an attitude of condemnation. This is more the evaluation that something is "bad", this is a judgement that leads to withdrawing from the relationship and adding hate to the condemned part. Basically this says: "This part of you is too bad to be loved, I will not connect this part of you to my love.."  This is why so many people feel guilty or hated when they disagree, or are assertive or make mistakes. The "mom-memory" causes a self-hatred.

Results of "Trophy" Mothering include:

• Performing for others - keeping the "best foot forward" in relationships .. trying to keep the other person happy and not disappointed in them. Central to this performance is the desire to be liked, avoiding other's anger and most of all .. to be seen as a good person. These people are "shame-driven" and live in fear of others finding out their real self. Many times these people have their "good" friends, but they also have their "bad" friends with whom they can be imperfect and real. These performers dread the day these two groups come together in the same venue.
• Appreciate me now and avoid the rush - narcissism can be born in the environment of the trophy mothering, a self-centered person that demands to be treated as special (rather than unique, there is a difference). Addicted to praise and flattery this person's spouse in marriage burns out in the admiring role and ends up depressed or withdrawn. Basically, the spouse realizes that they can't compete with trophy mom 1.0.
• Human mirror - the need to bring good out in others is another possib;e symptom of the trophy mom. Human mirroring affirms the grandiose self while denying the imperfect self. This prevents others from the realities they need to confront in order to change and grow. This is a disguised narcissism where superstars and specialness are needed but not directly. They get it in the people they mirror redirecting their own entitlement at others without having to own it.
• Perfectionism - operating with little room for mistakes with an internal demand to be good. Surgeons, business leaders and lawyers are the high levels these people can operate (no pun intended) at. Other times they can be paralyzed by fear of making a mistake. 
• When work is not a stage - real life work can quickly become a disappointment without trophy mom there. 
• Hiding failure - concealing mistakes, glossing over them and unable to confess failure
• Depression - after encountering failures in their work lives and personal lives as the ideal they expected never is within reach. Heartsickness takes place.
• Anxiety, shame and guilt - bearing the "trophy burden" is no walk in the park. Failing mom, others and themselves takes their toll. Expectations from others are overwhelming as they try to be perfect. In their heart of hearts they know much of their life is fraudulent .. no one really knows the buried self.
• Compulsions and addictions - to anesthetize the pain, drugs, food and sex are temporary relief.
• Spiritually - difficult to feel close or safe with God since "mother-menory" says if they are bad they are not loved.

Nowadays with mother as an adult child reveal that some things change yet other things stay the same. Mother may still desire their child make them proud so the child brings home the trophies even if she lives thousands of miles away. A job promotion gets communicated to mom before a spouse. During marital conflicts they run to mother for affirmation of their goodness. On the other hand there can be a shift toward "I thought I knew you" as the mother turns away from the hope of their child's specialness 24/7 toward them being the bad kid forever.

The next chapter "Getting Real" shows steps that can be taken toward restoration as real good AND bad, loved and reconciled adults if possible.

The Mom Factor (Recap #4b) - Becoming Your Own Person

This book purchase may have been prompted by this chapter alone since it provides the steps to repair the breakdown in the very purpose of mothering: to become independent from your mom.

This chapter should help you become the person God intended you to be. To proceed, we have to identify the what and who the core problem is. The reason for this is:

• You see mom as the solution to this problem - due to the very reals aspect that while mother was controlling, she was also supportive and loving as well as very involved in your life. So when relationship issues, depression or independence fails (all symptoms) arrive, one might not see this as anything to do with mother, but mother is where you may run to.(Example) Amy looked up to her mom and wanted a family like her the ideal that she thought her mother accomplished. Being in daily contact, Amy's frustrations with her husband drove her to her mother who would console her and then suggest that maybe if she were just nicer to her husband things would work out. "You attract more flies with honey than vinegar" her mother would say. Armed with this advice, Amy would apologize, appease and comply with her husband as this is how she was trained. Even though her marriage never got better as this cycle would repeat, she thought to herself "Where would I be without my mom?" She entered counseling for her depression and marriage issues but the core issue was never addressed - her undeveloped independence.
• You see mom as the problem - this is where you know you have "mom problems" like feeling guilty because mom accuses you of not calling enough or resenting the fact that she is controlling and running your life. However, the real issue is a personality character problem - you identity apart from mom needs to be set .. autonomy needs to happen and setting boundaries is essential.

These problems need to be owned by you and attention to relational, functional and emotional symptoms you are experiencing need to be channeled towards repairing and developing in your "re-mothering relationships" where certain characteristics are essential in these supportive people for this growth path to be effective. Since you will need to differentiate yourself from others, you will need to experience saying NO, disagreeing with other people's opinions as well as confronting others. Characteristics include:

• Intimate - these people need to be able to be emotionally close so they can empathize and relate with all parts of you - sad, bad, glad or mad. Relational skills so that painful issues can be addressed and the persistence to stay connected with you even in conflict.
• Honest - truthful feedback is essential for this journey even when you relapse into compliance or withdrawing from confrontation .. this is a development track that honest feedback can coach you through. Being wrong in an argument is great progress over always avoiding an argument.
• Process-oriented - this person will have to know that it will require time for you to grow .. becoming a distinct person is hard work and involves a lot of failure steps. Relapsing towards apologizing for being selfish and mean is a constant theme. This is not a week or two project and sometimes it is the people who have been down this road might be the best to help you down your own unique road with unique curves, hills, valleys and distance.

Tasks along the way include:

• Developing a separate will - this is un/under developed in the adult children of controlling moms. Whether it be mom, spouse or friends, this person has no muscle of their own. What needs to happen first is to own that attribute (similar to the 1st step in a 12-step program). When a person can't bring their own differences to the table .. they themselves are not really present at that table. "Yes people" usually have a lot of friends but their own thoughts, joys and pains always remain in the backseat in these environments. To unpack this, it might take a verbal conflict (like around politics, religion or family issues) to allow others to challenge you in hearing YOUR thoughts on the matter at hand. This takes people who know your resistance and reluctance to enter into these discussions with your own thoughts and ideas. In time this truth can be reality: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love"
• Create an identity - the ability to make your OWN choices, define you own unique personality and character is basically a self-discovery process. It is a jigsaw puzzle that requires discarding different pieces until the right ones form your real self. In this process, a bad decision is better than no decision. There is much to be gained/learned from the bad decisions, it is not a waste. Some people even go by a different version of their name or take on a new nickname with their new identity that suits them better.
• Live within limits - in the freedom comes responsibility, along with the risk-taking will come times to suffer the consequences of those decisions as this will also help repair the enabling mother's damage to learn delays of gratifications and controlling of ones urges. Your support network will need to be able to give you tough love when your decisions need to be connected to their even unintentional consequences.
• Deal with dependency - your support group will have to be strong enough to resist your need to have them parent you to help you parent yourself. You will have to shoulder your own burdens as "for each once should carry his own load". 

Skills that will be needed along this journey include knowing your defining traits (introverted, extroverted, task or relationship oriented, active or passive, etc.) Your support community should be able to assist you with this and evaluate yourself how this all fits .. as it is a whole new world opening up. You will also have to develop your NO muscle .. to disagree, confront, refuse evil and stand against wrongdoing changing your silent NO to an audible NO. You will also have to deal potentially with the "victim role" as you may have felt helpless and powerless in the past. Once you can say "I can't change my past. It is a part of me. But I don't want it to define my future because if I do, the people who hurt me are in control again" ... you are well on your way to restoration to who God would love you to be .. the real you.

• Develop Proactivity - undefined people are called reactors, they refrain from making decisions until someone else does (for them sometimes) but proactive people take the initiative. In the past, in environments of conflict, you may have been hyper-vigilant and anxiously reading the other person's mood before you respond. This prohibits you from taking ownership of the problem. When you see a problem in a relationship, take the first step .. like "It bothered me when you didn't return my phone call". It is as simple as that.
• Set Boundaries - personal property lines are what these are, they define your end and where others begin. Setting limits helps you protect your character from which as a strong foundation can be used to love and serve others. One has to clearly set these .. and keep the consequences for those that trespass.
• Respect Other's Boundaries - if we want others to respect our limits, we must respect theirs. Sometimes the best friend can communicate "I'm not doing this against you, I'm doing this for me" Sometimes even the best friends might have to cancel a long planned event for THEIR best interest and health.

Re-relating to mom as you become more defined, separate and independent is a re-configuration process. You will need to become other-centered in being aware of her struggles who may have been abandoned or controlled themselves. Some had to take the parent role with their own parents or siblings. You might even ask her about her past to help unpack things that she had to OR has to struggle with that you might not be aware of. You may also introduce her to the "new you", that you took the initiative for personal growth to go down this road. Don't expect encouragement but allow her to get some insight into your new journey. Set necessary limits or ground rules with mother, you might say that you have the option to leave the house/hang up the phone if she yells when you disagree with her or if she nags you about not calling the week before. If you have children, make it clear that she operates with her grand-kids the way YOU ask her to. Basically, you want her to try to listen to what you are saying instead of telling you what you are thinking. Just as important, make sure mom knows that you want her to tell YOU when you might have crossed her boundaries that this can be a mutual process.

You will need to confront her on matters of principle .. and when necessary, change the subject if you need to when mom gets going on unimportant things. Some moms dominate, others get their way by not listening and others use guilt. Setting limits can help you continue to navigate your way on your journey and allow mom to tag along for SOME of it OR not. She might not be ready for that, allow her the space to opt out.

As time goes on you may be surprised at how much easier it is to see your mother's good qualities as you let go of her brokenness in her own mothering of you. Once you start on a path of restoration, you might actually enjoy a different yet rewarding relatinship with your mother, but there are no guarantees. 

Rise and Fall of South Africa - the Dutch and Christian Influence - overview

The mere mention of South Africa in a discussion provokes deep images of institutional racism, discrimination and horrific violence. Stefan Molyneux is joined by Simon Roche for an in-depth look at the controversial history of South Africa, the untold story of Apartheid, rising criminality, an astronomical murder rate, President Jacob Zuma's reign of terror, the epidemic slaughter of white farmers, Afrikaner boer land confiscation and the growing possibility of civil war.

Simon Roche is Head of the Office of the HQ of the world’s largest non-state civil defense organization, Suidlanders of South Africa. Once an ANC activist, Simon Roche now works with Suidlanders to prepare for impending catastrophe in the Rainbow Nation.

Website: http://www.suidlanders.org

https://suidlanders.org/who-we-are/ We are primarily a Bible believing Christian conservative group. We call on our members to personally prepare for an emergency situation like major civil unrest. With the help of thousands of our members we have prepared and identified extraction routes and safe areas where trained and capable members will become self-reliant and proficient to provide assistance and support to the inevitable flow of refugees during crisis. Through experience, especially in Africa, we have learned that we cannot depend on international bodies to assist during a conflict. We intend to, through God’s provision, help ourselves. We also believe in the words of a century old Prophet called Niklaas van Rensburg who clearly warned the Boer of an impending civil conflict. We invite the international community to contact us so that we may work together in preparing to resist a global persecution. Welcome to the Suidlanders.

White this is a very very long interview .. but it is necessary to go over the context of the history of this country and region.



Onto the south end of Africa arrived Dutch Calvinists in the 1650s to build a fort at Cape Town on the Cape of Good Hope .. French Huguenots followed as did German Lutherans which together became the Boers or Afrikaners of South Africa. Later, driven inland due to British war and subsequent colonization the Boers would break ground yet again and farm all the way to the post-WWII environment when the British Empire started to collapse to allow South Africa to gain independence and to thrive in the last half of the 20th century to the unraveling of this nation since the end of apartheid.



Learnings:

• British were the 1st to utilize concentration camps well before the Germans did in the 1930s/1940s
• British established what would be known as apartheid against the AdHoc system the Afrikanners allowed before the British took over control of South Africa and left them with this system
• Muslim slavery techniques (14 MILLION to the Arabian peninsula) included castration of all male slaves to keep slave populations under control
• Black African treatment of fellow blacks was horrendous .. a dominate black tribe reduced the population of another tribe numbering 3 million to 1 million.
• It took a TWO YEAR expedition to locate suitable "broad shouldered" black people for the slave trade going inland from Capetown in the late 1700s up toward the existing slave trade ports on the east side of Africa. This proves that the South Africa region was sparsely populated for sure before blacks started migrating to this region years later when it was heard that stability (no tribal wars) and good food could be found.
• TBC [to be continued]

Motivation to Stay on Track

Delivered today is my next project that I am excited about. I will say that since I read the World Book Encyclopedia set from ages 7-10 I have been most intrigued with Jefferson's influence on this country. A man who suggested that in a generation he could see three confederations where only one stood (United States --> North, South & West (now called Midwest)).

As with all these projects, I read it through the first time and then recap/review with a 2nd read. I do this only with the exceptional books .. so maybe someday I will write a review on The Shack (since the movie did not cover everything, most movies can't)

The Mom Factor (Recap #4) - "The Controlling Mom"

",, Ali was Nancy's first child, and Nancy loved her own little girl. She imagined a wonderful future for Ali, she could envision music lessons, the prom, graduation, college, and a wedding. Nancy was in heaven, She finally had the little companion she had always wanted .."

Difficulties came early however, like the Easter Nancy bought Ali a matching white dress and hat when Ali stomped her foot when Nancy brought the outfit out and screemed "I want to wear my red dress!" ... ",, and NO hat!"

But Nancy knew what was best for her daughter and insisted on having her way. Ali's father finally intervened and convinced Nancy to let Ali go without the hat this once.

A theme began to develop in their relationship, the two would be close, enjoy being pals and then Ali would push Nancy away and Nancy would feel hurt when there was a break in the closeness and pout when Ali didn't appreciate or want her mother's help.

In Ali's childhood the conflicts centered around he individuality, what clothes to wear, what games to play, what playmates she wanted to play with and when she wanted to play with them. Nancy loved her daughter and wanted to guide her choices thinking isn't that what mothers do? Nancy knew if she had different experiences and opportunities growing up her life would have been better and she just wanted those things "just for Ali" Nancy was confused as her relationship with her daughter evolved into a love/hate relationship.

When Ali hit adolescence it seemed that Ali's choices were against her mother's wishes, instead of her daughter wanting to be a cheerleader and running for student console she liked sports and the arts. Ali felt like her mother did not want Ali to have a life of her own and also struggled with this rift. Ali longed to get away from her family and have her own space and eventually decided not to go to college which was central to her mother's dream for her. This caused Nancy to think that she had failed as a mother and that Ali had let her down. Ali felt confused about how the rest of her life was to unfold estranged from her mother.

Different from the Phantom Mom where the connection does not occur, in this case of the Controlling Mom, the connection occurs but there is not the next big step of assisting the child in becoming an individual in their own right. We humans are wired to need a "we" (connections) but also an "I" (individualism). There needs to be an allowance and a fostering of independence and assertion of will, intentionality and separateness. Mother should allow and foster individual identity and differences .. to discipline poor choices, behaviors and attitudes and set limits and actually FRUSTRATE the child's wish to avoid independence and separateness.

Each child has a will that emerges in early childhood and again at adolescence. Some have more than others (i.e "strong-willed"). This attribute is very important as it leads to one becoming self-directing, intentional and eventually independent. Some mothers see this attribute as bad and that the will must be broken. But remember "The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity, but a broken spirit who can bear" Spirit means "breath" or "life" in this proverb. Not only do they need a will to live, they need a will to say no to the evil will of others. A child needs a certain degree of freedom to make choices as well as to experience the consequences of poor choices while they are growing up.

The balancing act between the boundaries of society, the law, our culture, safety, morality and the freedom of the individual is not easy for a mother to accomplish ,, but the mother must resist enforcing limits to keep the child from being different. The other aspect is that the child needs to know that they are not god, that there are others impacted by what they say and do and so there is a need of rules and consequences for bad behavior so that the child suffers loss but also learns from these experiences.

Some mothers find it difficult to set limits and abdicate all discipline to the father. However, it is important for a mother to discipline her child so they learn relational values. If a mother can be walked on the child never learns to respect their love objects. Basically, if a mother CAN say no to their child, then the child CAN say no to themselves and therefore learn to respect others limits and boundaries. A child gets their "self-control" from this process.

The mother who finds it difficult to set boundaries is an "enabler", where the mother expects certain performance but fails to enforce or allow consequences. She may do the child's homework or let slide a deadline for chores or pay the fine at the library, etc. This pattern can continue well after the child has grown up.

Mothers need to:

• Set clear age-appropriate boundaries, rules and expectations that are measurable and observable
• Set, with the child if possible, appropriate rewards and consequences
• Set and follow through on the consequences for behavior
• Allow the child to experience those consequences
• Offer more freedom as responsibility develops
• Posses clear interpersonal boundaries and self-respect so that the child learns to respect those he loves and will not use or walk over them

If done in a loving way, the children will learn the important truth, that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. 

Let me go/please take care of me is the dual cry of every child at every development phase along the way. Anxiety is inevitable at each growth step. Problems arise when the Controlling Mother has difficulty when the child is regressing and actually thinks its mean to refuse their child's desire to remain dependent. She may enjoy the dependency of the child which can happen if the mother feels lonely in her marriage. She uses the child to fill the gap to meet her unmet dependencies. A good mother says "Long enough in the nest" at each of the stages of the child's development.

" Jeri wanted to go on a trip over spring vacation with her youth group and when she asked permission she ran into trouble. 'What? And leave our family for the whole time?' her mother gasped."

If mom has a problem with her child's budding independence, separating can be a difficult process for both. Mothers can attack their child's independence in many ways, here are a few:

• Guilt - guilt is used to control. A mother in essence is saying "you are destroying me with your independence" A child can't cope with the aspect that they are hurting their mother. Guilt is one of the most powerful attacks on freedom and guilt remains with the child when they leave their mother behind.
• Abandonment / Withdrawal of Love - the silent message that is heard loudly by most children when it is understood that "I don't love you if you choose to separate" This can also be linked to the withdrawal of financial support, attention and encouragement as well.
• Attack / Anger - children who are attempted to be controlled this way are quick with the "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" line right after they have asserted themselves. This is what fear does, when a parent goes into a rage that demands an apology to THEM.
• Lack of Structure - rather than an active guilt, abandonment, attack this is a passive shift that removes the structure needed for the child's maturation process.

Results of the Controlling Mom environment:

Relational Problems

• Inability to say no
• Control issues
• Fear of intimacy and commitment
• Codependency

Functional Problems

• Disorganization
• Identity and talents
• Delay of gratification
• Irresponsibility

Emotional problems

• Depression
• Feelings of Powerlessness and Hopelessness
• Addictions and Impulse Problems
• Isolation
• Anxiety States and Panic Attacks
• Blaming

These effects where responsibility for ones own life is not owned up to can last from the twenties to the seventies. Here are a couple themes observed:

• She Won't Let Me - where an adult is still being guilted by the controlling mother .. where choosing to make her happy overrides the adult's desires
• Just a Little to Get Me Through the End of the Month - what started as help with a book report by the child that never read the book .. as an adult it is now mom bailing them out to be able to make the mortgage payment ... or even to be bailed out of jail for drunk driving .. where the very consequences that would cause the child to finally grow up and become responsible are blocked by a loving mother who can't see her child in pain.

The next chapter "Becoming Your Own Person" is now to repair the problems your controlling mother may have caused you and how to deal responsibly now that you are an adult.

The Mom Factor (Recap #3b) "Getting It Together"

(Example of the potential fallout from having a China Doll Mother)

"Marty felt the rage escalating inside of him. There she goes again, he thought, criticizing me and then going away and not even talking to me leaving me with it all. And as his anger grew, Carol sat on the floor crying. She had withdrawn and stopped communicating. Somewhere inside Marty knew she felt alone and that she needed him to reach out, but he couldn't get past his anger"

Marty did not want to yell or hurt her .. he loved her but his internal frustration was driving him now as he went into the garage to start throwing things .. that made him even more angry. There were fleeting moments where he wanted to help Carol, but internally he was in a rage and that dominated his thinking. He knew he was in trouble.

Just then he felt a hand on his shoulder, he was ready to fight some more but Carol moved toward him just to hold him, and caress him .. and that, in time, calmed him down. He then hugged Carol .. and Carol felt like she was finally successful in getting Marty back "into his right mind".

There is a learning curve here .. and Marty had finally come to a point where he knew he had a problem he could not blame on anyone else. He saw a pattern and decided he needed to do something about it. All the memorized Bible verses and other attempted distractions were not enough when it came to this internal rage. He found he could not manage uncomfortable feelings or disruptive experiences. Marty had a China Doll Mother who needed but failed to contain his feelings and overwhelming states. Marty needs that now as an adult to help him deal with life.

The restoration of mothering is basically a return to receive what we didn't get the first time around. In a broken world, you will have that. What is necessary is the soothing, validating, structuring, thinking and confronting that was missed in ones childhood. This is not a rebirth attempt with the same mom, this is where a relationship with Father/Papa can help so much, with His mothering and mothering of others who share Father's love through them, great strides can be made towards being restored.

Kindness from a friend at a time like this is a priceless blessing. Soothing compassion from someone who is there for you can get you not just through the tough spots, but can also help to gain confidence in ones ability to calm down. Whether this be a support group or an informal network of friends that can be called at almost any hour, one can start making progress. The validation, or the knowledge of the reality of the experience, needs to come from another heart, another set of eyes on the situation. What we don't need is people who say:

• You shouldn't feel that way
• It's not all that bad
• You're overreacting
• Don't be so sensitive
• Where's your faith

Instead, we need people who can speak into our experience:

• I understand
• That sounds really sad
• What a terrible feeling
• Oh my, I am sorry you went through that

This tells us our feelings are real and not imaginary.

After validation is a stage called structuring. This is where things are put in perspective, that this or these events do not define us and that we have tolerated things like this before, it is hurtful, but there is another day. This is also a development stage where we decide what are we going to do. What can we have in place to make the next event be more of a speed bump than a horrific crash.

Time is also an attribute of this stage in that a healthy support group allows the unpacking of one's journey but they will also limit the time each member can share of THEIR story. The group states that this is enough sharing for today, we can talk more about this next time. Resentful at first, over time it will become easier to share less and even listen and empathize more with other people's journey. That is a step in a healthier direction.

Confronting is also necessary at times, while not towards hitting someone but stating eye to eye "Stop it, you're losing it!" might be appropriate. We need honest friends that would be willing to do this.

Thinking is another area we need to think about :) It sounds like a circle, but the following may be noticed:

• negative thinking
• pessimistic thinking
• paranoid thinking
• overly critical thinking of ourselves or others
• self-centered thinking

The mothering process as an adult gives a bridge towards a healthier balance in the reality of the situation(s) at hand.

The response to this mothering process is as important as being mothered. If we just resist all the efforts that other's are lovingly attempting to help us through can delay the process. There may be good reason for this and a good friend ot support group is in it with you for the long haul. In time you may start to take responsibility in your response to this growth and maturity.

1. Find a safe place to start your process toward restoration (support group, therapy group, individual counseling, meeting times with a wise friend or two, or even a relational church family)
2. Risk intense emotions means that you are not in these settings just to be there but that you plan to be engaged no matter the pain. Talking and opening up is essential, yet at the same time, testing the waters to know that it is a circle of trust is not a bad approach either.
3. Responding to care and apathy does not mean "it's not that bad" or "I'm just being selfish" but truly taking in the soothing, empathy, validation loving on you. Receive it and respond to it.
4. Learning to think about your feelings and be able to observe yourself is also important. Journaling or tracking your negative thoughts during the week can help one get a better picture of where one is at.
5. Action plans towards restoration can also help paint the road one is traveling
6. Give empathy and validate others can help you move away from the self-centerness one usually has early in this process. Being able to help others while being helped can be healing as well to the whole you.

In dealing with the China Doll Mother of your past the fact is, you have to deal with that. Even though you start to get healthier from mothering as an adult, it is still a problem that you did not get this mothering the first time around. Basically, you will need to deal with the mother in your head if you want relationships and realities in the present. Not all growth comes from "digging up the past" however, there are things we carry today from the past that impacts how we live today. Forgiveness (this only takes one person) and reconciliation (which takes two willing people) is the path toward freedom and love.

What is essential in forgiving a China Doll Mother is a safe island. Our personality is shaped by both positive and negative attachments that are in our heart. It requires that we forgive AND grieve with mother that allows free space and energy for other attachments and possibly even a relationship with her. This has to be accomplished from a position of strength. We have to have what we initially needed from her to proceed. We cannot still need something from mother at this point. 

We also need to be aware of our tendency to use past interactions to shape today's relationship with mother. We need to be willing to put them in the past where they belong. Children of China Doll mothers tend to withdraw in response to her fragility. Once you are aware of this "response" and similar patterns, you can give them less power in your responses moving forward.

How one feels as one goes through the grieving process is important:

• become aware of your feelings
• expressing your feelings
• understanding your feelings
• letting yourself be comforted
• letting go of your feelings

Taking to a safe person in this process is essential towards not carrying this baggage around in the future

Forgiving means to cancel a debt .. which means that mother no longer owes us. Bitterness, anger, rage, hatred all evaporate when we can finally forgive (not deny) what happened. Letting her off the hook allows you and her to be free for something better.

To deal with mother now means that your need to be soothed and validated need to be taken care of by someone other than mother. Going forward you can only related to her in ways that she can handle.

Talking about the issue may or may not happen in this lifetime. Some mothers can respond to some coaching, realizing that she does not have to fix anything for you. Other moms are not there yet, not able or willing. If this latter is the case:

1. Get safety somewhere - you need a support system/network
2. Set some limits - on yourself and on her .. do not expose your fragile parts to her .. limit your exposure to her as well as set limits on your wishes to be understood by her. If you are not at a point where mom does not affect you then you are still too vulnerable and need to be protected. One may find that removing yourself from the conversation or topic has to be like this: "Mom, if you continue to criticize, then I'll have to stop talking. Would you like to talk about something else?"
3. Relate where she can - appreciate her for what she is vs. who you want her to be. No longer asking for what they can't deliver can open the door to enjoy what they do have to offer.

The bottom line is to forgive mom for what she could not do and if it works, work out the relationship you cold have with her now .. in His (Father's) time.

Next up: "The Controlling Mom"

"The Mom Factor" (Recap #3) - The China Doll Mother

Typical Response to a Crying Child: "Are you all right sweetie? Are you breathing? Please don't let my baby die! Jim! (spouse) Vicki is crying and I don't know what's wrong!" (Vicki's father would then walk in the room, pick up his daughter, realize she is wet, and change her)

Typical Response to a Frustrated Child: "Please don't yell. That hurts mommy's ears and makes her sad" (while she puts her hands over her ears to block out her daughter's screams)

The "China Doll" mom is often unable to deal with the unpleasant or stressful situations in life. She has difficulty setting limits and controller herself and her environment. She is unprepared to handle the adult world which translates into her being overwhelmed with her daughter's problems as well as her own.

Even though she loves her child, she is soon in a panic, rage, sadness and fear that renders her incapable to deal with the moment. Several coping measures include:

• Catastrophizing - reading more danger into her child's tears or yells that what is really there .. an over-reaction.
• Withdrawing - When the child is calm, the mom is calm but when the child is cranky or scared the mother will pull away emotionally meaning the child must sooth themselves so mother can return to normal.
• Overidentifying - The mother lives in her own painful emotional world and therefore reads everything through those glasses.
• Regressing - Often the mother  in a sense becomes a child again when her child is unhappy. At the time when the mother should be there for her child it is the child that is looked to to support their mother.
• Smothering / Hovering - The mother's effort to put out the "lighted matches" in her daughter's life with a "fire extinguisher: causes the daughter to retreat further inside of themselves.
• Shaming - The mother actually blames the child for having negative feelings, failing to see beyond the symptoms to the root issues of her child's life. Typical statement includes: "If you love your mother, you'll stop crying"
• Reacting in Anger - Punishing children for having wrong feelings is typical of the "China Doll Mom". 

The first basic human need is to make an emotional attachment to mother, the second is containment. Containment is the mothering function in which the mom literally KEEPS the child's feelings until they can handle them on their own. Containment helps the child manage the "storm and stress" emotions as well as other immature parts of him or herself.

A child's emotions are raw, strong and unpredictable where anxiousness quickly gives way to panic, where feeling lonely escalates toward clinging dependently for deal life where irritated goes in seconds to rage and where sadness goes to depression. Emotions are our built-in signals from our Creator that alerts us to danger or to loss. Those that are cut off from these signals is like a malfunctioning dashboard which allows us to get into trouble and fast. We wind up getting hurt in love or work because we "didn't see it coming".

Babies are born not just intellectually immature, but emotionally immature as well. Children love or hate with little room in between. The early years the child is focused on their mom as source of life, nurture and safety. This myopia will cause the mother to be the recipient of the love and hate that the child experiences outside of mom in the world they are entering more of every day. The child's basic fear is that they AND they mom are in danger and so they are passionate about not being destroyed or hurt. This is where the mothering comes into play, to handle the things that the child can't handle while helping the child understand the process of dealing with life, a sometimes scary journey. She helps the child take more and more responsibility for their feelings over time.

Besides intellectual and emotional immaturity. babies are also immature in their character. There are needy attributes that has them seek out love and care. There are weak attributes that helps them realize they need others and there are autonomous attributes that drives them to be independent and take responsibility for themselves. All these attributes are maturing at different rates which can result in a child seeming independent at one moment and then totally dependent on mother the next.

Mothers are in tune with the process and offer containment by soothing their children, validating their children (hearing what they say without having to fix the issue), providing structure that helps put things in perspective and emphasizing that emotions are only symptoms of a problem and not the problem itself. Address the problem and the emotion (dashboard light) goes away. Confronting children is also containment which brings reality into the situation. Thinking is another containment action that helps unpack and analyze where things are at and the condition is only temporary and will not last forever. Thinking also helps the child understand that it is love that drives the mother to sometimes say no to the ice cream bar or other treats. China Doll Moms usually fail big time on the "thinking" aspect of containment as they are unable to get a grip on things as they really are.

Results of fragile mother can include:

• Relational problems - pushing away the ones they need the closest
• Care-taking - rescuing friends and interjecting control on their problems that help you avoid the pain from your own unmanageable feelings.
• Aggressiveness - being critical of those people that admit they have feelings and might say "get your act together"
• Withdrawal - when emotions overwhelm you, you choose to disonnect physically, emotionally or both.
• Functional Problems - like career snags, where pressure at work becomes THE problem so this signal or dashboard light distracts from the ability to get promoted to the next level. Life-problem-solving also takes a hit as one tends to choke on big decision-making events. Rigid thinking styles that rely solely on cognitive sphere keeps one off balance as anything to do with feelings is discarded.
• Emotional Problems - Depression is a common result in a world of despair but can also come from being disconnected from others in the feeling avoidance world. Angry feelings lead to more anxious thoughts, a cycle that is hard to break. Behavioral problems along the lines of various addictions to numb the pain.

As an adult child of a China Doll Mother, as she grows older you fear the dangers ahead as you can predict that mother will break down and cry and manipulate/control you once more. You tend to feel guilty about "hurting mom", something you heard often as you grew up. Sometimes siblings will identify anyone "not playing the game" anymore as the black sheep of the family and ignore the very real manipulation going on.

There is hope for the China Doll Mother's child without having to walk the tightrope of compliance. The resolution of this is in the next chapter called "Getting It Together". It is a good one!