In the last chapter we covered the impact of having a "Phantom Mom" can have on a child and an adult child later in life. In this chapter the authors discuss steps to get well from our "mothering problem" in this broken world.
The authors stress that we have to recognize that the SYMPTOM is not the PROBLEM. In other words, the alarm-bells signal something is not quite right in our lives, but we compensate by taking more vacation time, we change friends, we switch jobs all to no avail. Basically, if a week of true R&R does not solve the "tired" problem, it is more than a "tired" problem.
One may even turn to professional counseling to deal with the symptoms so we can feel good again, but the truth is that we aren't right, and that is why things don't feel right. Pain is a sign of a deeper problem like fever is of an infection. Issues of trust and attachment can't be solved just by trying harder or to medicate the pain. We have to in our own time choose to address the root of the issue.
However, to embark on this journey of repair and healing is not usually achievable in isolation. Most helpful is having a safe context to be able to get the real RELATIONSHIP support so attachment needs get met. Mothering injuries are heart felt relationship injuries, and so the trust factor is usually very low in seeking out other relationships that can actually HELP us get repaired.
Most people who have been detached from mom and very autonomous and independent to compensate. In this environment, finding others to depend on during your recovery and healing is scary stuff. With the internet and Amazon books available, all this data is tempting for the independent person to feel that they can do this on their own.
In this chapter, it is about finding a new home for the lost part of your soul as it is a part of us that was never finished. Further development can occur whether we are 20 or 40 or 60 or older. Jesus Himself redefined "family" as having more to do with spiritual and relational ties than biological/blood ties in this broken world.
Who is My Family
It is common for people who grew up with warm bodies around them each day to believe they should have had what they needed but as we know, other may be present but connection and relationships may still be absent. People can have a full social calendar and never talk about "their insides".
To heal and recover, friends that connect JUST for connecting is essential. These might not be existing friends, but it is interesting how fast one can become good friends when each shares of themselves at a personal level and can empathize with each other. Sometimes this can happen in families, an aunt or a cousin but sometimes this requires support groups or a healthy church. Basically people are needed so we can learn to connect with others .. intimacy is not a means to the end BUT the end in itself. Intimacy is the goal.
What Do I Look For?
Healthy mother-types are supportive people with several characteristics. Gender is not necessarily an issue here as it is an oversimplification to assume that women help women and men help men. It has more to do with these people's characteristics and character. Men can have mothering / nurturing parts and women can have fathering / challenging parts. Basically one should be looking for warmth, empathy, non-intrusiveness, mutual dependency and honesty. Warmth/empathy builds trust as a bridge to our souls for the long run and is foundational for this process. Non-intrusive nature implies that there is no force to be applied without invitation so time is not an issue and in patience they can sense the rhythm of their friends unique journey toward recovery. In warmth, interest and genuineness there is a communication level that can be trusted as there is no agenda for their love. Critically there also needs to be a mutual dependency as this is not a "solutions-based" approach but a mutual friendship that will help the healing process. Comfort and grace without judgement is key. Lastly, honesty is the bottom line during the ebb and flow of this relationship. These friends have to be able to tell the truth about themselves AND about you/us. Without this information (good, bad, ugly) you can't expect progress. You don't need a 'yes-man/yes-woman' in this life enhancing growth track .. you need real people to help you/us be real as well.
Connection Tasks:
One needs to commit to this endeavor in a serious effort towards growth and towards truthfulness in these relationships. Commit just means "bring together" .. two things in the same place BUT you can't make it happen. It takes two working towards the same goal. This is not a lifetime process but it means that you promise to engage along the way the best you can. You will have to be vulnerable even as that goes against everything your heart and mind might say at the time. You must also take the initiative and give the process time! Dependent feelings may emerge and you will have to embrace that even if it feels unnatural. God designed us for true/real community and with this risk comes much reward. You will have to be aware of your own defensiveness so our own blind-spots can be exposed for our own good.
Momwork:
As the process unfolds and as we begin to be repaired there might be an occasion to address any repair work we might be ready for with mom. Forgiveness is a starting point that involves only ourselves in "going there" to unpack the wrong and let her off the hook in our own ability. No longer must she pay for all those lost years as we assume responsibility for our attachment issues and they are our problems and not mom's. When it works there may be a point of invitation towards another effort at relationship, not to parent her but opening the door towards dialog that may allow some confrontation down the road. Basically, you will be using the love you received in your own re-mothering process to love on mom .. once you have been loved and know you are loved .. you will be able to love better. Going towards a sometimes toxic and destructive mom is a complex decision that may require months and years to get to. You will also have to set limits and boundaries with your mom in this process as this is in fact love at its root. Reconciliation is the hope and only one of the goals but again this takes two. Your re-mothering process is NOT a failure if there is no reconciliation. The bottom line is an acceptance of reality is essential so that your wishes are balanced by the fact we live in a broken world with broken people.
The New Me and The Old Mom
While it is possible that mom may have grown during the years since you were a child so you might be able to have a deep meaningful relationship with your mother going forward. If this is the case you will need to make sure that you and your mother maintain "separate families" in both spiritual and emotional aspects as she will not be entering your family to continue her repair process or to be the mom you missed as a child in your current family.It is likely though that your mom has yet to see this process of growth as a priority yet. You can still touch her world by maybe reflecting on her past and the hardships she might have faced in her youth and young married life. The focus would then be off the part of mothering she failed to provide you but still allow a connection for future possibilities. How will you respond to your mother? It is your choice.
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