"The Mom Factor" (Recap #1b)

Question: Does it have to be this way?
Answer: Just as God's plan for us to learn relating from our mothers can end up wreaking havoc in our adult lives, so can his plan of repair bring change and even growth!

Many people suffer under the delusion that their mother is the real problem. Many pop psychology promotes the following:

• blaming the parents for all their client's problems
• focusing only on dredging up "pain from the past" and "getting the pain out" .. basically thinking that catharsis actually cures
• identifying the client as the victim and commiserating with how "bad" mom or someone was
• excusing behavior, lack of performance and failure in love or work because of what mom failed to provide
• encouraging the client to live more in the past than in the present
• arranging sessions with mom, thinking that reconciliation with mom or having mom "own all the bad" will actually fix the client's heart

Working out one's relationship with one's mom is important in the growth process but it is not the whole picture. What must also be observed is the the process of "mothering"in the present as well.

1. Your Mom - when we say "dealing with the past" we do not mean go back to the 1960s/1970s/1980s/1990s but to deal with how mom lives lives with you in the present .. so there is a. feelings we have for our mother, injuries we may have felt from her and needs she did not meet. b. dynamics and patterns of relating we learned in our relationship with our mom

• Leftover feelings (example) Jim and Debbie are preparing for a trip. Debbie suddenly remembers that it was time to change the oil in the car and says "Jim, did you get the oil changed" Jim's response was heated "Will you get off my back? What do you think I am an idiot? Of course I got the oil changed, I told you I would take care of the car, don't you believe anything I say?" Debbie not ever knowing what to do when Jim reacts this way went to her room and cried. What happened? 1) Debbie was very different than Jim's mother who was a very controlling and domineering woman and never trusted Jim to accomplish anything. He grew up trying to please her but never could so ended up resenting her. 2) Jim fell for Debbie because she was so unlike his mother, was warm and lacked being the domineering type. At first all was well but as Jim got closer to Debbie those old unresolved feelings started to emerge and he was treating Debbie as if she was his mother even though Debbie had not changed at all. Psychologists call this transference, where feelings are directed to people in our present instead of being directed to the people in our past. The unresolved feelings were at the root of this .. and for Jim to deal with it is a process called forgiveness (not reconciliation, yet anyway). The process involves looking honestly at the problems, facing them, letting them go and grieving the loses. The goal is to get to the place where we are "finished with mother" and then be ready to see and treat people in the present as they really are.
• Patterns of relating (example) Dave's pattern learned in his relationship with his mother was now being the template he used with his wife. When he became intimate, he would fear being smothered and overwhelmed and losing himself in the process and he would withdrawal. This pattern will continue until he takes responsibility and ownership of those patterns and work through them and needs insight to help him get there. This is beyond forgiveness of mom, this is what happens when we as children internalize the ways of our parents and find that some of these ways have to be "un-wired" from our hard-wiring of our youth.

1. Process of Mothering - (example) Jordan was a busy mother of two and loved her children very much but soon because aware of her outbursts that would create anxiety in her children as they were very disorganized which rubbed mom the wrong way. Jordan tried confiding with some other moms but all they shared was the good things their kids did. One mom Susan was different as she also allowed Jordan to share of her struggles. The more Jordan shared with Susan over time the more she was less bothered by what her children did. She was changing by the mothering process that happened in a way that did not happen with her own mother. For us to be comfortable with ourselves we need someone with whom we can be real with toward acceptance and understanding. She becomes comfortable with her child's imperfections and the child can now take her comfort into their own personality.

• So what we did not receive from our own mother, we must get from others for our lives to work better in the long run.
• We must be open to receive and respond to this mothering from others to make progress. Each person will have a different path in this transition but until this corner is turned, things will stay the same

1. Assumptions of the authors:

• 1st - there is no such thing as a "good child" and a "bad mom". While mothers do fail and sometimes fail big, adult children have to shoulder the responsibility to move beyond this point. As you begin to do your part in identifying the missing elements in the mothering you received your responsibility will be to grieve and then forgive in time. In the process you start to gain control of your side of the problem and be able to start to change the areas of your life that has not worked so well. Forgiveness and responsibility can lead to unlimited growth.
• 2nd - there are preordained tasks of mothering and responses to mothering. We will outline the universal and predictable process all children go through and then help you understand how the process relates to you, your history with your mother and your current life. The importance of making emotional connections, leaving your mother and cleaving to your spouse.
• 3rd - you needed love and limits in each and every step, your mother needed to be loving for you to bond well with others, your mother needed to set limits so that you shouldered your own responsibilities. If either of these areas were not provided, you will need to find a way to complete what was missing

In Recap #2 we will address the "Phantom Mom" chapter and Recap #2b we will address "Rebuilding Your Connection" ... these are intense chapters and I will not be able to cover it to the depth that some may need.