The example story this chapter starts out with paints a mother-in-law who has invested (literally, big $) in lavishing her "love" on her son's family that included two grandchildren. We are talking beautiful traditional furniture purchases, travel vacations and even paid to have her son's home remodeled. With both parents working in middle management positions they were grateful for the mother-in-law's support but understood that they could not afford the lifestyle extras the MIL brought to their house/home/life.
Living in a middle class neighborhood, they actually felt somewhat embarrassed by these upgrades. "Did you guys win the lottery?" was a familiar line.
Then the moment came where the son sensed he was being smothered by his mom's "love" and he desired to be his own man. His mom was surprised and hurt by his change in attitude. The wife in this story was upset that her husband's foolishness might "kill the goose that laid the golden eggs".
In actuality, both were right and both were wrong. The husband was right in wanting to be his own man BUT his attack on his mother for being generous was a distortion. The wife was right in understanding the MIL's motives as truly out of love and not controlling but didn't understand her husband's NEED to truly "LEAVE HOME"
The natural God-designed cycle of life dictated that leaving mother in real and practical day-to-day terms is part of the plan. We are designed to "abandon" mother and setup our own home and support network.
The task of leaving home IS the "longest yard" in our growth curve as it involves painful adjustments to long-standing patterns with mother and others as we begin to live on our own in all areas of life. We find it difficult at times because we don't always see the long-term benefit of leaving including financial independence, emotional support and the extras in life.
The bottom line is that if you are still going to mother for things you should be providing for yourself, you will always be a prisoner to your relationship with her AND that is NOT mom's fault.
To navigate this transition, there are several steps or tasks that need to be achieved:
- Develop your NEW home BEFORE you leave - to leave an American Express mom you will need to create, develop and have a stabilized emotional home base, basically being pro-active in your re-mothering by lining up spouse, friends, support groups, churches and therapists in advance. To attempt to separate in a vacuum is an exercise in futility. Just because you have "good" friends does not mean you are prepared for this. One has to be prepared to be transparent, revealing, etc. in some real intimate bone-honest relationships.
- Answer to your support relationships - taking counsel of your support base is another essential step that is easier said than done. True friends have a dual function, they attach to us and they tell us the truth. The attachment provides fuel and a space to be accepted and the truth brings light to the reality of our hidden, injured, distorted and destructive selves. Love makes it safe enough to tolerate the truth. Remember "wounds from a friend can be trusted".
- Take ownership - "no excuses ownership" is essential in this course of life in this new adventure. Being a blamer or rationalizer will no longer do. Character BEFORE circumstances helps you see things as they really are through your character at your core before the level of friends, enemies or even God. So if you failed to get that job promotion, don't look for a friend who will listen to you gripe, instead ask "How did I contribute to this temporary failure" and learn from it.
- Cherish your spouse - children of AMEX moms wreak havoc on marriages .. either there is comparison with mom's "love"VS. spouse's love, or there is a need for over-involvement of the AMEX mom in their married life. Marriage means forsaking ALL others.
- Bring mom in on the process - many moms are not in denial about these issues and some come with baggage of their own and you never know that mom may be an important part of the re-parenting process for a better you. If mom has a key to your house and comes over unannounced ... get the key back (and give your mom's back as well) and treat each other like adults. Call first to see if it is a good time.
- Manage your money - if you haven't become autonomous from your AMEX mother, there probably is a money symptom somewhere. Taking hold of ones own finances is key, living within your means is essential.
- Be responsible for functional tasks - whether it be laundry, furniture, childcare, entertainment, errands and vacations, make your own decisions.
- Parent your kids - AMEX moms produce children who want to parent by being their child's best friend. Bring the parent has a long term reward of being a good friend of theirs when they are adults.
- Take charge of your own self-development - great privilege confer great responsibility and visa versa. Develop your talents, sexuality (growing more into your gender role) and taking risks.
In the revamping process with mom, you will need to establish a true friendship which is a mutual relationship between equal adults. There may be activities you both enjoy without guilt, obligation or manipulation. Be willing to receive favors (not needs or bailouts) and decide how you can help your AMEX mom as she ages. Remember, she will need a support network as well and it should not fall just on your shouders.
Along these lines, what happens when mom will need a parent possible at some point in her life's journey. What happens when she seems to regress and need more support that is typical from her child or children? This is where obligation, guilt and resentment can surface. AMEX moms at their core use their children as their rock, as their emotional retirement fund. You will need to decide beforehand how you are going to deal with this.
Anger is another attribute that can be learned from. AMEX moms typically render two types of anger in their kids: "intrusion anger" and "wish disappointment". The first type is for you AND mom, the second is all on you. The first one needs to include confronting mother, explaining the problem and then setting limits. The second one is the core wish you had for mom to be a different mom than she was. This one can't be shared with mother and you will have to utilize your support network to grieve through this process of letting it go.
The "mother-in-law" aspect of this journey is interesting as in "I need this (as in advice from a book like this) to deal with my spouse's mother". Remember, any issue with the MIL is in fact a core issue with your spouse. Encourage them to see themselves as less than they could be should they decide to embark on this journey of re-mothering. Also, work out your own relationship with the MIL, while also avoiding triangulation and other manipulation land mines.
There is hope in the journey .. adult children CAN be re-mothered, and mom can actually make growth strides as well. It is a process and each person has control of whether they are up for the challenge ... or not.
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The last two chapters: For Women Only and For Men Only I will not cover. For $12 or less I am sure this book can be found. :)
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