As adult children our task is to leave our mothers. They give us life, and then we take that life away from them and move on. This is a process that begins when we are still at home.
With an American Express Mom we might hear:
AE mom: "What do you mean you're not coming home for Christmas?" she cried "Of course you are!"
Daughter: "But mom, it will be so much fun. My friend's parents have a place in Colorado and we're going skiing. A lot of my friends will be there and we'll have a blast. Please let me go"
AE mom: "No, Catherine. I won't hear of it. Christmas is family time and I want you here with us. We have a special time planned to all be together and you cannot miss it. I don't want to discuss this any further."
Catherine came home for Christmas. But in her mind she could not stop thinking of all the fun she was missing. As time when on her big break came at college graduation when she landed a job in San Francisco clear across the country from home. Her mother was mortified and threw out the same arguments she used before but to no avail .. Catherine knew she just had to get away.
In this case of becoming separate and free from mother is dealing with a particular time .. being separate and independent "under" mom and then moving out from under that role into adulthood. This starts in adolescence when children start to experience the larger world. Their lives shift from being parental-centric towards their own circles - concerts, service clubs, trips with friends, dating, etc. Two things come from this, there is a world beyond what their parents have shown them and they learn they can negotiate the world without holding their parent's hands. There is also the increasing power of the peer group, the child belongs to a family but also fits in a social network .. there is truth and love in places other than with our parents. If a mother gives the child that SHE is to be the only source of love and truth the child never learns to move past her. There is also the increasing experience of the LIMITS of the outside world in that there are rules and consequences to breaking rules "out there" and parents do best when don't shield them from those consequences. Helicopter moms are not what is needed at this point in the teen's life. The best thing a mother can do is to not get in the way .. to resist undermining these lessons and instead of using the "I told you so" line .. just let nature take its course. This leads toward financial independence attribute of this journey as more money is required for the teen lifestyle .. there is a balancing act as to how much of that the teen is responsible for, again, to feel the pain.
As the teen matures, the trajectory for leaving the nest can vary but the assumed needs to be that an exit will occur when the time presents itself. It does seem to be a harsh reality from the mother's perspective .. will her child ever return. This is referred to as the mother's wound .. whereas the first separation where the mother is the source of the child's all in all is during weaning, the second separation can be described as the wounding the mother as they abandon her as their source of life. They still love, adore, relate to, give to and receive from mother BUT the relationship has changed.
The mother takes great satisfaction in being the source of her child's life and nurturance but that role and that season is designed to end. On the other hand, watching an independent person emerging as a result of her nurture, disciple and love make this a bittersweet process with both sadness and joy.
To the extent that a mother is able to allow this step to take place peacefully, things go well. She has to reclaim the values of separateness, difference, limits and not give in to regression in her fading role. She sees the independence not as a threat but a symbol of her good work.
Results of American Express Mothering:
- Mother Me, Please - How Dare You Mother Me : The dynamic emerges where the adult child finds someone to take care of their finances, laundry, cooking, clothes (all things that they should be able to do themselves) and then see that all as control and then proceeds to hate the control this co-dependent person has on their lives. This helper nags because they realize they have a child on their hands ..
- Abandoning the Partner : where the partner becomes the mother .. the adult child will abandon them emotionally (may not result in divorce or breakup) .. they will detach themselves and find outside interests.
- Avoidance : these adult children avoid all adult relationships at all costs ... some delight in this, others do not
- Idealizing - this is where no one measures up to mother and avoids disappointing relationships with a real person
- Caretaking : becomes a mom to others - a well known co-dependent pattern
- Functional signs: disorganization, irresponsibility, not showing up for work on time, not doing the job ..
- Emotional signs: Depression, powerlessness, helplessness and addictions and tend to be blamers feeling that someone else is responsible for them
- Spiritual signs: Since the child has not left home, the relationship with God may be like that of being a grandchild than a child of Father
What this all does to the adult child of an American Express Mother can be see in problems in the following areas:
- Finances
- Daily functioning
- Establishing a "home-base"
- Building an emotional support base away from family
- Relating to in-laws
- Breaking away from pleasing mother
- Avoiding an adult relationship with mother
- Codependent ties with mother
- Tendency to live out mother's dreams for your life
- Struggles to achieve mature sexual identity and functioning
To truly enjoy mother in our adult years we must emotionally leave home first. The next chapter deals with this, called 'Leaving Home the Right Way'
